Who's the Boss -- You or Your Cell Phone?

I love technology. I am a geek of sorts. But I am increasingly bothered by what I believe is excessive cell phone dependence. We've all heard about the accidents caused by distracted drivers, train or machine operators. However, I see increasing problems in the ability to be present to people, to events, to feelings, to live real life, and to simply pay good attention. People are giving up their power, energy and presence to cell phones.

Cell phone behaviors that prompt an article like this!

• One day I was at a small wedding of just family and very close friends of the bride and groom. At one point before the service started, I counted 10 people on their cellphones, talking, texting, reading email.
• Another time, I was at a funeral and someone was on their cellphone at the graveside.
• Yesterday at Christmas services, an announcement was made before the service to silence cell phones and almost everyone in my row did not just check their phone, but almost all had to silence their phone at that time.
• I was with a group of friends catching up over the holidays at a dinner at someone's home. A person, whose husband and child, were there with us, was on her cell phone for over 30 minutes in the middle of everyone socializing. It was not a work emergency. She was simply checking text messages.
• I had a person in my office for counseling who would always put her phone out on the small coffee table when she arrived. I thought that the purpose was to be more comfortable, until I saw her glancing at the cell phone to see any text message had arrived. (That was the first and last time that happened with me!)
• I was talking with someone not along ago who was complaining about his spouse and her cell phone. It rang at night and if it wasn't ringing, it was beeping and buzzing any time she had a text or an email. Usually she would be so distracted, she just had to see who it was and respond. He was so frustrated because they didn''t have a lot of time together and then the cell phone was a like a third party that was always with them.
• And then there is the person in the movie theater, who in spite of announcements of no cell phones on texting, decides he or she just can't wait one more minute in the middle of the movie, or sometimes in the last 15 minutes to check texts or emails. With stadium seating, the phone light shines right in your eyes if you are 1-3 rows up from them. Although I haven't done it yet, I have wanted to walk down, snatch the phone out of their hand and stomp on it!
  

One of the issues I often see in my office with couples -- even before the days of cell phones -- is one complaining that the other person doesn't make him/her a priority, or that even when they are in the house, they are not 'present'. It feels like their spouse/partner is 'never there.' What do you think it communicates to the people you are with, when you turn to your phone to check messages, email, to take a call, or to text in their presence? I once heard "where your time, your energy, and your thoughts take flight to, there is what you most value in your life."

People are missing the people in their lives who love them, and whom they love, in favor of hoped for connection with their social or work networks -- or their favorite app -- or their sports scores.

We are making ourselves a society with Attention Deficit Disorder and a society with poor boundaries. Both of those things can lead to bigger problems down the road. Cell phone dependence splits our attention and focus. We never are really where we are!

So why are people constantly on their phones? Is it that virtual reality is more important than the people or event in front of you? Does it make you feel needed, wanted, important because you get texts or calls? Does it give other people the impression that you are so important because you have to have your cell phone or blue tooth attached and ready constantly? Will the world end if you turn it off? Tell me what you think!

Here are some signs I think indicate that someone needs to change some of their cell phone habits.

1. You cannot be with friends/family/or social events without having it on and checking to see if you have the next text or email.
2. You're disappointed if you check it and no one has contacted you.
3. You look at it when you are talking with other people in real life.
4. You feel uncomfortable and even a little anxious if you turn it off for the evening or during the day on a weekend.
5. People in your life have complained or made comments about how much you are on the phone.
6. You get upset of you forget your cell phone.
7. When listening to family or friends, you are wanting to check your mail or messages.
8. You think you have to be available to everyone 24/7.
9. You expect other people to be available to take your call or message 24/7.
10. Afraid you will miss something if you are not online.
11. You have not yet set up ' cell phone free' times in your life.
12. "I have to always have it on for work."
    

In Part 2, I'll list some of my suggestions. In the meantime, I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas.

2011 in Review

Newspapers often write some version of the past year highlights. How would you write YOUR year?

• What were the highlights?
• What were the low points?
• What were your losses?
• What came into your life that you value?
• What lessons came from your experiences?

Here are a few of mine:

Our extended family lost two of our elders. There are still 'holes' in our gatherings where their physical presence would be, even though I feel their 'presence' in other ways.

• Reminder: Every single day is precious. Show and tell your love every single day. Consciously write the book of your life every day. It will become your legacy. And, loss does not cancel out the 'good' any more than good cancels out the loss. Everyone's life has both.

Three of our elders have advancing dementia. They are the same people, yet not the same. I am watching each of them return to being a child.

• Their constant lesson to me: live in the moment; make every cup of coffee, every piece of pizza, every drive, as if it were the very first time I was doing it. Delight in each moment.

With the economy going up and down, I give thanks every single day that I have work, AND that I have work that I love doing. Even when the economy is a non-issue, I still give thanks for my work. How lucky am I!

Three months of physical therapy took my injured shoulder from minimal movement and pain to 99% full use and no pain.

• Reminder: Be clearer about the need for daily practice of things you need, but don't always want to do, to have the relationships, life and work you most want! Daily decisions, commitment to the process, holding the goal in mind. When you are about to cry and are sick and tired, roll up your sleeves and keep working. Don't expect someone else to do your work for you, even when they can help.

I enjoyed the powerful beauty, peace and expansiveness of nature in the mountains and at the beach.

• Reminder: Take times to turn off my email and computer life. Breathe in the beauty, the simplicity, the power and peace of creation. Do it regularly in my own back yard!

Congress and candidates butt heads on everything and make 'winning' more important than the purpose of making this country even greater.

• Reminder: When you make the power struggle more important than your vision, you will stay stuck and only create more distress. We are better than that. Maybe we need to remind each other regularly!

My niece got married, a baby was born to another family member, and another is coming in 2 weeks -- if not before!

• Reminder: Love and life continue showing up, no matter how dismal the news is, no matter what losses you experience. Keep an open heart to welcome it in, in all the ways it comes into your life.

Wishing each of you a year filled with gratitude each day for the simplest of gifts, even those things you take for granted in your life and in the people around you!

You are 100% Responsible for Your Life

In her farewell episode Oprah gave her goodbye lessons, all of which I believe are indeed important and true. One I particularly liked was that we are all 100% responsible for our own lives.

I could not help but notice the stark contrast between Oprah and the Casey Anthony trial. I heard Anthony's lame defense that Casey was sexually abused as a child and therefore was raised to lie and therefore did not tell anyone that her child had died as she spun a complex web of lies. When I heard it, I commented to a family member, "Oprah was sexually abused, I have a lot of clients who were sexually abused, I know people who were sexually abused and they don't lie, stuff their kids in trunks while they party, kill people, or party hearty when a family member dies." What a lame defense--not just by the attorneys, but by anyone! Whether or not the evidence points to guilt or not, the abdication of any responsibility is an all too frequent pattern for many people.

Sexual abuse is a horrible thing that has devastating effects on the victims, as is physical abuse. But it is not the abuse, or whatever horrible things have happened to you in life, that determine your life as an adult. YOU do. History does shape us and it can help us make sense of our own patterns, but history does not determine our behavior or excuse it. There are many people who have been horribly abused who use that experience to grow their own sensitivity, compassion for others, and determination to not let history create their present or future. Look at Oprah. I can look at clients and friends who were abused as children and are people of integrity. Viktor Frankl, Elie Wiesel and many other Holocaust survivors transcended unimaginable experiences to grow themselves and to help change the world.

None of us have such power that we can always prevent bad things from happening to us, but we do have the power to become a better human being out of that experience. We may go through very difficult times and have many emotions as a result. We may temporarily blame ourselves or others as we try to integrate the painful experience. We may be angry at everyone and everything for a period of time. As children we can develop patterns to survive that do not work in adulthood. But in time, we either use our experiences to grow ourselves beyond our survival patterns and our pain or to use it as a crutch and make ourselves perpetual 'victims' of life.

The same thing happens in marriage, partnerships and other relationships. It is so easy to point your finger at your partner or co-worker as 'the problem'. "He or she always does . . . . he or she never . . . ." And maybe he or she does or does not do things that are not helpful to connection and good relationship. They may even do things that are damaging. But relationships are created by two people. Sometimes you may contribute to the problem and not even realize it. But whatever he or she does or fails to do does not excuse you from trying to be the best human being and partner you can be no matter what decisions you have to make about your relationships. History and external events do not make you a 'victim', unless you make yourself a victim.

Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God, points us to a healthier and more adult approach to relationship and life:

The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you'd like to see "show up," . . . ."

Others do not determine what kind of person you are or how you behave. You do. And for that, as adults, we are 100% responsible every day.

Look for the Best in Others and in Life

Consistently looking for the best in people you love, in life and the world helps create an deepen happiness. It does not mean being a Pollyanna who pretends negative things do not exist. Looking for the best acknowledges that something has a negative effect on us or others. But it also acknowledges that the negative is not the only reality in a given time or person.

People are not perfect (including you and me!). Yet even though we all do and say stupid things sometimes, and sometimes say or do things that have hurtful effects on someone else, that doesn't take away the best of who we are. So even when someone does something that frustrates me or feels hurtful, I like to hold that behavior in one hand as something I need to address. Sometimes I need to explore inside myself why that bothered me or hurt me so much, why I am reacting the way I am, what I'm telling myself about that behavior or person. Other times it is something I need to discuss with the person after I've done my own self reflection. But I regularly remind myself that while I hold that in one hand, I can continue to hold the best of who that person is in my other hand.

Looking for and holding the best goes beyond just the people in our own lives. There are terrible things that happen in the world and as human beings we need to name them and take action -- but those things do not take away the best of what is in the world. I can hold both the terrible and the transcendent of humanity. There are devastating forces of nature, but that does not take away its beauty. I can hold the sadness or anger at the tragedy of a tsunami or tornado and in the other hand I can hold the magnificence of a flower or a sunset or the birth of a new baby.

I don't know about you, but I know when I experience physical, emotional, or relational pain, the pain becomes like a whirlpool that wants to suck me into it. It pulls in my energy, my attention and if I'm not careful, it can easily become all that exists for me in that moment. But I know it isn't all that is. There is the pain -- AND there is the reality of the good in life, in a person, in the day. I don't always do it perfectly. Sometimes I am in that whirlpool before I realize that it is pulling me into it. But, as soon as I can get my head out of the water to gulp in some air, I have the chance to remind myself of having two hands in which I can hold both the worst and the best. Sometimes I literally have to look at my two hands to remind myself! Staying conscious of that helps me hold on to the best of me and my life and at the same time gives a bigger context in which I can address the issue or take action.

I love the quote from the Talmud: "We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are."

Thanks for Love, Friends and Family

Today on my way home I heard more about the tragedy in Cambodia in which people attending a water festival were caught in a stampede and over 300 men, women and children died. Approximately 700 more were injured. I had tears in my eyes as I heard about what a joyous festival they were celebrating and as I imagined how quickly something that was so beautiful turned so tragic. Families lost people they would never have imagined would die anytime soon. Some wailed as they identified a body as a person from their life.

I have been thinking about Thanksgiving and how happy I am, how grateful I am to have the people I do in my life, to have comfort, to have work that I love. I have been thinking of dear Juan Jose who on one day was happy, working and his usual loving, joyful self. Four days later he had died. I’ve been thinking of Marty who went for a bicycle ride and was hit by a car while he stopped at a Stop sign and nearly died. In an instant, on a morning like any other, his and his family’s life was dramatically changed. I feel even more grateful.

And I know that one day it will happen to me – I will lose those I love most dearly and/or they will lose me. I think of couples in my office who love each other and are caught in disconnection and sometimes stubbornness. And one day it will happen to them.

It all reminds me to celebrate Thanksgiving every single day, to give thanks for people I love and who love me, to realize the preciousness of every moment and every day that I have with them and to commit to keeping those connections as a sacred path and gift.