A recent report about men choosing to stand up for their mother over their wife in conflict made some important points, but also gave information that I think does not adequately consider the nature of conflict. (In-law conflict and troubled marriages by Dr. Terri Apter ) While it is indeed possible to end up with the mother-in-law (or the daughter-in-law) from hell, much of the conflict can be prevented and good skills can help you navigate the rest.
Part of what I did like about the article was the comparison of the neurochemical similarities in parent/child love and early romantic love. Dr. Apter mentions gazing into each other’s eyes and Dr. Helen Fisher’s research on gazing into each other’s eyes has caused her to frequently recommend a 2 minute gaze (without talking) for couples who have ‘lost that loving feeling’.
Dr. Apter also points out what I think is one of the primary fears of the parent that can cause reactive behavior in the parent: “how will my son’s marriage change my relationship with him?” From what I have seen, mothers often have a fear that they will be replaced, that they won’t be ‘needed’ any more, and that they are not going to have time or attention from their son. They fear him 'going away' in some way. The daughter-in-law can be viewed as the reason he will 'go away' and as competition for time and attention, even if on an unconscious level.
One of the examples Dr. Apter gave was woman who tried to talk with her mother-in-law about feeling frozen out of family gatherings and that the mother preferred the son’s ex-wife and it spiraled into a shouting match with name calling (probably on both sides). While I think the example is a common situation, I disagree with what seems to put the problem on men. When the son calls his wife about the names she called his mother (which he could have done in a better way), the wife retorts by telling him he should stand by her (the wife). What Dr. Apter doesn’t say, at least in this article, is that as soon as you give any message that says “you should choose me over your mother/children/family”, you are dead in the water. That is a terrible place to put your spouse or anyone in – choose me against someone else that you deeply love because I’m your wife/husband/partner. Understandably, the husband goes ballistic. As I read it, I thought, “what do you expect”? Of course he is going to get reactive, feeling he is being torn and having to choose his wife over his mother. Dr. Apter label’s it “Cal’s aggressive response" and that it "puts his marriage at risk” I would say that Cal’s reactivity (a response to ‘danger’ in his emotional brain, was not the triggering event. The reactivity had started between his wife and his mother, who both reacted angrily to each other. He adds to the distress, but the inability of each person to talk about difficult things in a respectful, effective way is what puts the marriage at risk.
The next example was a woman who screams at her husband because she felt the mother was rude to her. As she is screaming at her husband, he freezes then leaves the house. He comes back, she starts screaming at him again and he leaves again. The wife’s interpretation is that when she tries to talk to him about his mother, he clams up and leaves. Once again, we have the situation where the wife is reactive -- screaming to the husband and then blaming him because for some seemingly mysterious reason, his emotional brain says ‘danger’ with her screaming at him. Big surprise that he “freezes” and leaves. If she starts screaming as soon as he comes back, why would he not leave again? Dr, Apter does go on to describe the men’s actions as ‘defensive reactions’ in response to perceived danger in conflict. So it is not just the man's issue, it is also and initially, the wife's.
My take on the situations are that they are a normal response to ‘reactivity’. Reactivity is some human version of freeze, flee, attack, threaten, or submit in response to real or perceived danger -- physical OR emotional 'danger’. Blaming, attacking, criticizing, controlling, whining, complaining (which are also reactive expressions to perceived 'danger'0 will nearly always get you some form of 'defensiveness'. Reactivity breeds more reactivity.
Learning to create emotional ‘safety’ is skill to continue building and refining in all our relationships, especially those most important to us.
So how do you create more ‘safety’ in these man, mother, wife hurts, fears and frustrations? While it may vary from situation to situation, I think there are some basic suggestions that can help:
1. When you find yourself hurt or frustrated with your mother-in-law, first look at what that is really about for you. What is the message the mother-in-law’s behavior communicates to you (even if she doesn’t mean it?) (Examples: you aren’t good enough, you are not important, what you need doesn’t matter, etc.). She has probably accidentally bumped into one of your emotional buttons--most likely because of her own fears. (More on that in another blog post!). So one explanation might be that your initial interpretation is true. But maybe that is not at all her intent and what you tell yourself about her words or behavior is more about you. What is another possible explanation for her behavior that comes from a neutral or even positive motive on her part -- even if it is to protect herself?
2. Remind yourself that you have choice in terms of your response, even if it bumped into your button. Stephen Covey says "Between the stimulus and the response is your greatest power--you have the freedom to choose your response. one of the most important things you choose is what you say." How can you respond more from your core values, from the kind of human being you want to be? How can you respond in the most constructive and sensitive way possible, while still being able to express your concerns?
3. Be curious about what might be going inside your mother-in-law’s mind and heart. What might be her fear or concern? How might she feel threatened, even if that is not your intent. Know that a common fear is somehow ‘losing’ her son to you. Find ways to communicate in a variety of ways that you do want him to spend time with his parents/family – sometimes alone and sometimes with you and that you want to be connected to them too. Appreciate to your mother-in-law how important family is to them and how you share that value. If we were to take the first example about mother-in-law inviting ex-wife, think about being in her shoes. Here is likely a former daughter-in-law that they did bond with, that might even be the mother of a grandchild. Many parents tell daughter-in-laws in divorce situations that they will always be part of the family. Maybe she is also worried about the awkwardness of having ex-wife and new wife there together. It would be important for new wife to not criticize that, but to also express her understanding of mother-in-law seeing the ex as part of the family and that while it may be a little uncomfortable for everyone at first, you are hopeful that all of you can move past that. Ask what she thinks might be helpful to ease that tension and also give your ideas. And, reiterate your desire to also become part of the family, even though you are the new kid on the block, so to speak. Express understanding to your man and then in some way communicate it to the mother. Seek to work together, not to complain or criticize. Those situations can be hard for everyone. Ultimately, everyone has to learn to be a grown-up in those situations, even if it is simply to be civil. Talk to your spouse beforehand about what he could do to help support you in that situation and then ask what support he needs from you. Is there a way you both can also help support his mother in those situations?
4. Never, ever, ever directly or indirectly imply that he has to pick you, choose you, or support you against his mother/children/family. Always, always, respect his love for her and seek to find ways to work through tough or awkward situations together in ways that address everyone’s concerns – including his and Mom’s!
5. While it is important for you to build a relationship with your new family-in-law, also recognize that it is important for him to sometimes spend time with them/Mom alone. Encourage him to visit, call (assuming he wants too!). Build your own one-on-one time with Mom. Invite her to help you pick out something, teach you to cook something. Ask her what she has learned in marriage, in life for success. This spending time goes for sister-in-laws too. You are building friendships/family relationships with them. Some of them you will like, some you may not. But do your best. You can only control your own behavior, attitude and approach.
6. Learn good conflict handling skills between you and your husband. If you have an issue with his Mom, say you have a concern and because you know how important family is, you want to find the best way possible to resolve it and you don’t want to put him in the middle. How can the two of you approach it in a respectful, caring way? Never criticize a family member. Even when someone doesn’t have a great relationship with a family member, even if they say negative things about them, they usually don’t want anyone else to say anything bad about them and will become very protective. That doesn’t mean you just swallow your concern. Name the behavior, how you end up feeling, and how you want to find a way to get along and make it work better for everyone involved. Sometimes a sister-in-law that you DO get along with can be a help!
Working through the inevitable hurts, frustrations, fears and misunderstandings of in-laws, and any relationship, is part of our journey toward greater wholeness. We will all make mistakes, but the journey can be just as rewarding as our ideal destination if we are committed to peaceful, caring, respectful honoring of both our own needs and those of others. Always seek ways to address the concerns of both!
