Tragedy Reminds Us to 'Treasure'

The tornado in Moore devastated individuals, couples, families, and communities.  People whose homes were obliterated were in shock and sad, but relieved and glad that their family had survived.  I can't even imagine what that was like for those people and their children.  I continue to hold them all in my thoughts and prayers.

Tragedies like this have a way of putting things in a different perspective.  People left home that day assuming at night their day would be like other days.  But it wasn't.  So many lost their homes.  They lost precious mementos and photographs.  Some lost family family members.  All in less than one hour.


I remember a story someone told me about his family rushing out after breakfast, each going off to school or work. That day his mother died.  20 years later he was telling me that to this day he still wished he had told her "I love you" one more time before he rushed out for school.

• If you left for work tomorrow and came home only to discover that your home was just a pile of rubble, what, if any, regret would you have? 
• If one of your family members or friends did not make it home tomorrow because of some tragedy, what, if anything, would you regret?   
• What are those little things you don't say to your partner because you rush, or multi-task, or are mad because he or she left her dirty clothes on the bedroom floor?

Tragedies like this remind me to take time to say "I love you" or "I'm so happy we are together" or "I'll be thinking of you today" in the morning, or when I leave home to go to the grocery store.    I've thought of it when I've heard of someone diagnosed with a potentially fatally disease, or how someone's child or spouse was killed in a car accident.

Even when you are stressed or annoyed, don't miss opportunities to remind those people you love that you DO love them, that you treasure their presence in your life.  Take time to be together, to make sacred some of those moments of just being together and in verbal and non-verbal ways "I love you, I value you, I treasure you."  Never miss an opportunity.

Ups and Downs in Marriage & Relationships

I did not write this post, but I think it expresses wisdom about the normal ebbs and flows of marriage and relationships and our thoughts and feelings in them.

Embrace the Paradox

A relationship is the master teacher of paradox. The person you love the most, we often hurt the most (even if by accident). In a very brief period of time we can experience intense joy and intense pain. There are times we can't live with out this person and times when we can't live with them.  There are times when the relationship offers us the most profound sense of stability and around the next corner, utter chaos and insecurity.  

These kinds of paradoxes pervade the reality of a relationship.  If we are to be in a relationship, we need to accept and embrace them.  The stronger the relationship's commitment to growth and love, the easier it can bend when the wind blows.

Author Unknown

Contempt: Being Less than You Are AND 3 Tips to Overcome It

John Gottman, one of the leading marriage and relationship researchers of our day, has studied extensively why marriages and relationships succeed or fail.  He describes 4 primary patterns that are especially damaging to relationships:  criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.  The most serious, and the most damaging is contempt.  It nearly always predicts eventual divorce unless people work to change the pattern.  It is a bad habit and a lazy way of expressing concerns or frustrations with behaviors. It is also a self-righteous and arrogant belief that the other person is the whole problem and you are pure and blameless and more mature or just 'better' somehow. Instead of addressing the behavior and its effect, you globally characterize the person as incompetent, worthless, disappointing.

Contempt
The Free Online Dictionary defines contempt as the feeling or attitude of regarding someone or something as inferior, base, or worthless; scorn   Also: despised, dishonored, disgraced.  Others have added derision, extreme disdain, open dislike and disrespect.  It can be expressed in sarcasm cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mocking, put-downs to the person or about him/her in front of others, etc.  It may involve comparing the person to someone else who you see as 'better'.  Here are some examples:

The way I often hear it with couples include some of the following (with many variations!)
"You have never been a good husband/wife/parent/lover"
"You are not a real man/woman"
"My whole marriage is one big disappointment because you failed to  . . . ."
"You call yourself a Christian/Jew/Muslim, but you are not even close . . ."
"I regret marrying you.  If I had known you  . . .. .  I would never have married you."
"You have no clue how to please me (sexually, in general)
" Our whole marriage/relationship has been empty.  You've never made me happy."
"You men/women are all . . . ."
"You are such a wimp / control freak, etc."
"You disgust me"
"Now Joe is a 'real' husband -- if you would just be more like him . . . ."
"You are so socially inept that you could not carry on a conversation with a 5 year old."
"You are pathetic."
"I have wasted most of my life being with you."
"I already know how she is going to act . . . she always does."
"You are just like your mother/father'"
Comment to someone else about your partner:  "Mary has so much trouble cooking a decent meal that I wonder if she can even boil water without burning it."

What do you do if this is your pattern?
•  Learn better ways to express frustration with specific behaviors or words.  We all have frustrations with others, but they are usually about a triggering behavior and either an unmet need on our part, a fear, or a tender place in us.

Contemptuous Approach:  You are such a disappointment as a partner -- in fact you are not one.  We don't even have a real partnership.  It's all fake.

So a more mature approach would be to tell your partner that something had a negative effect on you, even if they did not mean for it and you want to find a way to work through it.  "Last night when I was trying to get the kids ready for bed, and mentioned something about needing to put the laundry in the washer, you continued watching TV and never tried to help.  I still had to do it when I came back down.  When I saw that, the message it gave me is that unless I do something, it won't get done.  I'm on my own.  It comes across like you don't care about me or about us or our family, even though part of me thinks you do.  But in those kind of moments it doesn't feel like it--I feel like I'm alone nd I feel overwhelmed. . . . .   and then you both continue in dialogue instead of going to the contempt place.
So you focus on the TRIGGERING BEHAVIOR or WORDS (or the lack of them) and how it effects you.   That is very different than expressing to your partner that essentially he or she is worthless piece of crap.

•  Get curious about what you tell yourself about your partner's behavior, what it communicates to you -- and what feels familiar or opposite about that feeling or message growing up in your family.  When we have repetitive or intense hurts, angers, frustrations, our partner might do or say something that triggers the upset, but the upset is more about us, our history, and what we make up about our partner and their behavior.  It's about the story we tell ourselves about our partner's behavior.  That doesn't mean the partner doesn't need to look at his or her part and be willing to find a win-win approach to things.  But when you hold contempt, be VERY curious about what gets stirred up in you and where you felt that even before you met your partner.

•  Look for the positive in your partner, in your family, in yourself and in your life.  
While it is important to address frustrations, hurts, concerns, it is just as important to look for ositive things in your partner and his or her behavior and words. Catch them doing something right, or making more of an effort.  Acknowledge effort, progress, accomplishment.  Look for something at least twice a week (or more!) to appreciate about your partner.   "I appreciate how hard you work to give us a comfortable life."   "I appreciate that you are so patient with little Sammy's constant questions.  I really admire how you respond to him."   "One of the things I appreciate about you is how you call your mother every single week to say hello, even when you don't feel like it."  "I appreciate that you brought home Chinese tonight so I didn't have to cook"  "I appreciate that you bought my favorite snack in the whole world --Oreo cookies.  It comes across as thoughtful and always makes me smile when I see them -- not just because I love eating the cookies -- but because you think to bring them now and then just because you know I like them."  "I appreciated your eternal optimism -- about anything and everything in life."

When you fall into the trap of contempt, you stop seeing the positive.  You focus on the negative, on watching for one more time that your partner is going to disappoint you.  You find what you look for -- no matter what it is.  I often tell couples to hold in one hand the junk of their relationship -- those things that need some work or repair.  AND to hold in the other thing that IS good about your partner and your marriage or relationship.   One does not cancel out the other.  Both are present.  You need to notice the positive and address the negative like a grownup.

Criticism, blame, shame, attacking, contempt are like adult whining, pity parties, or tantrums.  You are better than that.  Contempt poisons you and the climate of your marriage.  It harms you and your partner.  It causes you to be and express in the world a puny and projected version of your armored fears and hurts instead of who you really are as a human being.

"The Wolves Within" A Cherokee Story

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.
But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, everything is an injustice done to him. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.
Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."
The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"
The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one that I feed."

Who's the Boss -- You or Your Cell Phone?

I love technology. I am a geek of sorts. But I am increasingly bothered by what I believe is excessive cell phone dependence. We've all heard about the accidents caused by distracted drivers, train or machine operators. However, I see increasing problems in the ability to be present to people, to events, to feelings, to live real life, and to simply pay good attention. People are giving up their power, energy and presence to cell phones.

Cell phone behaviors that prompt an article like this!

• One day I was at a small wedding of just family and very close friends of the bride and groom. At one point before the service started, I counted 10 people on their cellphones, talking, texting, reading email.
• Another time, I was at a funeral and someone was on their cellphone at the graveside.
• Yesterday at Christmas services, an announcement was made before the service to silence cell phones and almost everyone in my row did not just check their phone, but almost all had to silence their phone at that time.
• I was with a group of friends catching up over the holidays at a dinner at someone's home. A person, whose husband and child, were there with us, was on her cell phone for over 30 minutes in the middle of everyone socializing. It was not a work emergency. She was simply checking text messages.
• I had a person in my office for counseling who would always put her phone out on the small coffee table when she arrived. I thought that the purpose was to be more comfortable, until I saw her glancing at the cell phone to see any text message had arrived. (That was the first and last time that happened with me!)
• I was talking with someone not along ago who was complaining about his spouse and her cell phone. It rang at night and if it wasn't ringing, it was beeping and buzzing any time she had a text or an email. Usually she would be so distracted, she just had to see who it was and respond. He was so frustrated because they didn''t have a lot of time together and then the cell phone was a like a third party that was always with them.
• And then there is the person in the movie theater, who in spite of announcements of no cell phones on texting, decides he or she just can't wait one more minute in the middle of the movie, or sometimes in the last 15 minutes to check texts or emails. With stadium seating, the phone light shines right in your eyes if you are 1-3 rows up from them. Although I haven't done it yet, I have wanted to walk down, snatch the phone out of their hand and stomp on it!
  

One of the issues I often see in my office with couples -- even before the days of cell phones -- is one complaining that the other person doesn't make him/her a priority, or that even when they are in the house, they are not 'present'. It feels like their spouse/partner is 'never there.' What do you think it communicates to the people you are with, when you turn to your phone to check messages, email, to take a call, or to text in their presence? I once heard "where your time, your energy, and your thoughts take flight to, there is what you most value in your life."

People are missing the people in their lives who love them, and whom they love, in favor of hoped for connection with their social or work networks -- or their favorite app -- or their sports scores.

We are making ourselves a society with Attention Deficit Disorder and a society with poor boundaries. Both of those things can lead to bigger problems down the road. Cell phone dependence splits our attention and focus. We never are really where we are!

So why are people constantly on their phones? Is it that virtual reality is more important than the people or event in front of you? Does it make you feel needed, wanted, important because you get texts or calls? Does it give other people the impression that you are so important because you have to have your cell phone or blue tooth attached and ready constantly? Will the world end if you turn it off? Tell me what you think!

Here are some signs I think indicate that someone needs to change some of their cell phone habits.

1. You cannot be with friends/family/or social events without having it on and checking to see if you have the next text or email.
2. You're disappointed if you check it and no one has contacted you.
3. You look at it when you are talking with other people in real life.
4. You feel uncomfortable and even a little anxious if you turn it off for the evening or during the day on a weekend.
5. People in your life have complained or made comments about how much you are on the phone.
6. You get upset of you forget your cell phone.
7. When listening to family or friends, you are wanting to check your mail or messages.
8. You think you have to be available to everyone 24/7.
9. You expect other people to be available to take your call or message 24/7.
10. Afraid you will miss something if you are not online.
11. You have not yet set up ' cell phone free' times in your life.
12. "I have to always have it on for work."
    

In Part 2, I'll list some of my suggestions. In the meantime, I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas.

2011 in Review

Newspapers often write some version of the past year highlights. How would you write YOUR year?

• What were the highlights?
• What were the low points?
• What were your losses?
• What came into your life that you value?
• What lessons came from your experiences?

Here are a few of mine:

Our extended family lost two of our elders. There are still 'holes' in our gatherings where their physical presence would be, even though I feel their 'presence' in other ways.

• Reminder: Every single day is precious. Show and tell your love every single day. Consciously write the book of your life every day. It will become your legacy. And, loss does not cancel out the 'good' any more than good cancels out the loss. Everyone's life has both.

Three of our elders have advancing dementia. They are the same people, yet not the same. I am watching each of them return to being a child.

• Their constant lesson to me: live in the moment; make every cup of coffee, every piece of pizza, every drive, as if it were the very first time I was doing it. Delight in each moment.

With the economy going up and down, I give thanks every single day that I have work, AND that I have work that I love doing. Even when the economy is a non-issue, I still give thanks for my work. How lucky am I!

Three months of physical therapy took my injured shoulder from minimal movement and pain to 99% full use and no pain.

• Reminder: Be clearer about the need for daily practice of things you need, but don't always want to do, to have the relationships, life and work you most want! Daily decisions, commitment to the process, holding the goal in mind. When you are about to cry and are sick and tired, roll up your sleeves and keep working. Don't expect someone else to do your work for you, even when they can help.

I enjoyed the powerful beauty, peace and expansiveness of nature in the mountains and at the beach.

• Reminder: Take times to turn off my email and computer life. Breathe in the beauty, the simplicity, the power and peace of creation. Do it regularly in my own back yard!

Congress and candidates butt heads on everything and make 'winning' more important than the purpose of making this country even greater.

• Reminder: When you make the power struggle more important than your vision, you will stay stuck and only create more distress. We are better than that. Maybe we need to remind each other regularly!

My niece got married, a baby was born to another family member, and another is coming in 2 weeks -- if not before!

• Reminder: Love and life continue showing up, no matter how dismal the news is, no matter what losses you experience. Keep an open heart to welcome it in, in all the ways it comes into your life.

Wishing each of you a year filled with gratitude each day for the simplest of gifts, even those things you take for granted in your life and in the people around you!