Build Better Relationships

Who's the Boss -- You or Your Cell Phone?

2011-12-26T19:30:00.003-05:00

I love technology. I am a geek of sorts. But I am increasingly bothered by what I believe is excessive cell phone dependence. We've all heard about the accidents caused by distracted drivers, train or machine operators. However, I see increasing problems in the ability to be present to people, to events, to feelings, to live real life, and to simply pay good attention. People are giving up their power, energy and presence to cell phones.

Cell phone behaviors that prompt an article like this!

One day I was at a small wedding of just family and very close friends of the bride and groom. At one point before the service started, I counted 10 people on their cellphones, talking, texting, reading email.
Another time, I was at a funeral and someone was on their cellphone at the graveside.
Yesterday at Christmas services, an announcement was made before the service to silence cell phones and almost everyone in my row did not just check their phone, but almost all had to silence their phone at that time.
I was with a group of friends catching up over the holidays at a dinner at someone's home. A person, whose husband and child, were there with us, was on her cell phone for over 30 minutes in the middle of everyone socializing. It was not a work emergency. She was simply checking text messages.
I had a person in my office for counseling who would always put her phone out on the small coffee table when she arrived. I thought that the purpose was to be more comfortable, until I saw her glancing at the cell phone to see any text message had arrived. (That was the first and last time that happened with me!)
I was talking with someone not along ago who was complaining about his spouse and her cell phone. It rang at night and if it wasn't ringing, it was beeping and buzzing any time she had a text or an email. Usually she would be so distracted, she just had to see who it was and respond. He was so frustrated because they didn''t have a lot of time together and then the cell phone was a like a third party that was always with them.
And then there is the person in the movie theater, who in spite of announcements of no cell phones on texting, decides he or she just can't wait one more minute in the middle of the movie, or sometimes in the last 15 minutes to check texts or emails. With stadium seating, the phone light shines right in your eyes if you are 1-3 rows up from them. Although I haven't done it yet, I have wanted to walk down, snatch the phone out of their hand and stomp on it!

One of the issues I often see in my office with couples -- even before the days of cell phones -- is one complaining that the other person doesn't make him/her a priority, or that even when they are in the house, they are not 'present'. It feels like their spouse/partner is 'never there.' What do you think it communicates to the people you are with, when you turn to your phone to check messages, email, to take a call, or to text in their presence? I once heard "where your time, your energy, and your thoughts take flight to, there is what you most value in your life."

People are missing the people in their lives who love them, and whom they love, in favor of hoped for connection with their social or work networks -- or their favorite app -- or their sports scores.

We are making ourselves a society with Attention Deficit Disorder and a society with poor boundaries. Both of those things can lead to bigger problems down the road. Cell phone dependence splits our attention and focus. We never are really where we are!

So why are people constantly on their phones? Is it that virtual reality is more important than the people or event in front of you? Does it make you feel needed, wanted, important because you get texts or calls? Does it give other people the impression that you are so important because you have to have your cell phone or blue tooth attached and ready constantly? Will the world end if you turn it off? Tell me what you think!

Here are some signs I think indicate that someone needs to change some of their cell phone habits.

You cannot be with friends/family/or social events without having it on and checking to see if you have the next text or email.
You're disappointed if you check it and no one has contacted you.
You look at it when you are talking with other people in real life.
You feel uncomfortable and even a little anxious if you turn it off for the evening or during the day on a weekend.
People in your life have complained or made comments about how much you are on the phone.
You get upset of you forget your cell phone.
When listening to family or friends, you are wanting to check your mail or messages.
You think you have to be available to everyone 24/7.
You expect other people to be available to take your call or message 24/7.
Afraid you will miss something if you are not online.
You have not yet set up ' cell phone free' times in your life.
"I have to always have it on for work."

In Part 2, I'll list some of my suggestions. In the meantime, I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas.

2011 in Review

2011-12-23T23:24:00.002-05:00

Newspapers often write some version of the past year highlights. How would you write YOUR year?

What were the highlights?
What were the low points?
What were your losses?
What came into your life that you value?
What lessons came from your experiences?

Here are a few of mine:

Our extended family lost two of our elders. There are still 'holes' in our gatherings where their physical presence would be, even though I feel their 'presence' in other ways.

Reminder: Every single day is precious. Show and tell your love every single day. Consciously write the book of your life every day. It will become your legacy. And, loss does not cancel out the 'good' any more than good cancels out the loss. Everyone's life has both.

Three of our elders have advancing dementia. They are the same people, yet not the same. I am watching each of them return to being a child.

Their constant lesson to me: live in the moment; make every cup of coffee, every piece of pizza, every drive, as if it were the very first time I was doing it. Delight in each moment.

With the economy going up and down, I give thanks every single day that I have work, AND that I have work that I love doing. Even when the economy is a non-issue, I still give thanks for my work. How lucky am I!

Three months of physical therapy took my injured shoulder from minimal movement and pain to 99% full use and no pain.

Reminder: Be clearer about the need for daily practice of things you need, but don't always want to do, to have the relationships, life and work you most want! Daily decisions, commitment to the process, holding the goal in mind. When you are about to cry and are sick and tired, roll up your sleeves and keep working. Don't expect someone else to do your work for you, even when they can help.

I enjoyed the powerful beauty, peace and expansiveness of nature in the mountains and at the beach.

Reminder: Take times to turn off my email and computer life. Breathe in the beauty, the simplicity, the power and peace of creation. Do it regularly in my own back yard!

Congress and candidates butt heads on everything and make 'winning' more important than the purpose of making this country even greater.

Reminder: When you make the power struggle more important than your vision, you will stay stuck and only create more distress. We are better than that. Maybe we need to remind each other regularly!

My niece got married, a baby was born to another family member, and another is coming in 2 weeks -- if not before!

Reminder: Love and life continue showing up, no matter how dismal the news is, no matter what losses you experience. Keep an open heart to welcome it in, in all the ways it comes into your life.

Wishing each of you a year filled with gratitude each day for the simplest of gifts, even those things you take for granted in your life and in the people around you!

You are 100% Responsible for Your Life

2011-07-05T07:27:00.003-04:00

In her farewell episode Oprah gave her goodbye lessons, all of which I believe are indeed important and true. One I particularly liked was that we are all 100% responsible for our own lives.

I could not help but notice the stark contrast between Oprah and the Casey Anthony trial. I heard Anthony's lame defense that Casey was sexually abused as a child and therefore was raised to lie and therefore did not tell anyone that her child had died as she spun a complex web of lies. When I heard it, I commented to a family member, "Oprah was sexually abused, I have a lot of clients who were sexually abused, I know people who were sexually abused and they don't lie, stuff their kids in trunks while they party, kill people, or party hearty when a family member dies." What a lame defense--not just by the attorneys, but by anyone! Whether or not the evidence points to guilt or not, the abdication of any responsibility is an all too frequent pattern for many people.

Sexual abuse is a horrible thing that has devastating effects on the victims, as is physical abuse. But it is not the abuse, or whatever horrible things have happened to you in life, that determine your life as an adult. YOU do. History does shape us and it can help us make sense of our own patterns, but history does not determine our behavior or excuse it. There are many people who have been horribly abused who use that experience to grow their own sensitivity, compassion for others, and determination to not let history create their present or future. Look at Oprah. I can look at clients and friends who were abused as children and are people of integrity. Viktor Frankl, Elie Wiesel and many other Holocaust survivors transcended unimaginable experiences to grow themselves and to help change the world.

None of us have such power that we can always prevent bad things from happening to us, but we do have the power to become a better human being out of that experience. We may go through very difficult times and have many emotions as a result. We may temporarily blame ourselves or others as we try to integrate the painful experience. We may be angry at everyone and everything for a period of time. As children we can develop patterns to survive that do not work in adulthood. But in time, we either use our experiences to grow ourselves beyond our survival patterns and our pain or to use it as a crutch and make ourselves perpetual 'victims' of life.

The same thing happens in marriage, partnerships and other relationships. It is so easy to point your finger at your partner or co-worker as 'the problem'. "He or she always does . . . . he or she never . . . ." And maybe he or she does or does not do things that are not helpful to connection and good relationship. They may even do things that are damaging. But relationships are created by two people. Sometimes you may contribute to the problem and not even realize it. But whatever he or she does or fails to do does not excuse you from trying to be the best human being and partner you can be no matter what decisions you have to make about your relationships. History and external events do not make you a 'victim', unless you make yourself a victim.

Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God, points us to a healthier and more adult approach to relationship and life:

The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you'd like to see "show up," . . . ."

Others do not determine what kind of person you are or how you behave. You do. And for that, as adults, we are 100% responsible every day.

Look for the Best in Others and in Life

2011-06-28T07:42:00.003-04:00

Consistently looking for the best in people you love, in life and the world helps create an deepen happiness. It does not mean being a Pollyanna who pretends negative things do not exist. Looking for the best acknowledges that something has a negative effect on us or others. But it also acknowledges that the negative is not the only reality in a given time or person.

People are not perfect (including you and me!). Yet even though we all do and say stupid things sometimes, and sometimes say or do things that have hurtful effects on someone else, that doesn't take away the best of who we are. So even when someone does something that frustrates me or feels hurtful, I like to hold that behavior in one hand as something I need to address. Sometimes I need to explore inside myself why that bothered me or hurt me so much, why I am reacting the way I am, what I'm telling myself about that behavior or person. Other times it is something I need to discuss with the person after I've done my own self reflection. But I regularly remind myself that while I hold that in one hand, I can continue to hold the best of who that person is in my other hand.

Looking for and holding the best goes beyond just the people in our own lives. There are terrible things that happen in the world and as human beings we need to name them and take action -- but those things do not take away the best of what is in the world. I can hold both the terrible and the transcendent of humanity. There are devastating forces of nature, but that does not take away its beauty. I can hold the sadness or anger at the tragedy of a tsunami or tornado and in the other hand I can hold the magnificence of a flower or a sunset or the birth of a new baby.

I don't know about you, but I know when I experience physical, emotional, or relational pain, the pain becomes like a whirlpool that wants to suck me into it. It pulls in my energy, my attention and if I'm not careful, it can easily become all that exists for me in that moment. But I know it isn't all that is. There is the pain -- AND there is the reality of the good in life, in a person, in the day. I don't always do it perfectly. Sometimes I am in that whirlpool before I realize that it is pulling me into it. But, as soon as I can get my head out of the water to gulp in some air, I have the chance to remind myself of having two hands in which I can hold both the worst and the best. Sometimes I literally have to look at my two hands to remind myself! Staying conscious of that helps me hold on to the best of me and my life and at the same time gives a bigger context in which I can address the issue or take action.

I love the quote from the Talmud: "We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are."

Thanks for Love, Friends and Family

2010-11-23T21:06:00.001-05:00

Today on my way home I heard more about the tragedy in Cambodia in which people attending a water festival were caught in a stampede and over 300 men, women and children died. Approximately 700 more were injured. I had tears in my eyes as I heard about what a joyous festival they were celebrating and as I imagined how quickly something that was so beautiful turned so tragic. Families lost people they would never have imagined would die anytime soon. Some wailed as they identified a body as a person from their life.

I have been thinking about Thanksgiving and how happy I am, how grateful I am to have the people I do in my life, to have comfort, to have work that I love. I have been thinking of dear Juan Jose who on one day was happy, working and his usual loving, joyful self. Four days later he had died. I’ve been thinking of Marty who went for a bicycle ride and was hit by a car while he stopped at a Stop sign and nearly died. In an instant, on a morning like any other, his and his family’s life was dramatically changed. I feel even more grateful.

And I know that one day it will happen to me – I will lose those I love most dearly and/or they will lose me. I think of couples in my office who love each other and are caught in disconnection and sometimes stubbornness. And one day it will happen to them.

It all reminds me to celebrate Thanksgiving every single day, to give thanks for people I love and who love me, to realize the preciousness of every moment and every day that I have with them and to commit to keeping those connections as a sacred path and gift.

Corporal Wilson: Part of the Solution

2010-10-15T21:44:00.002-04:00

This week Corporal Wilson gave me occasion to remember that most people are caring human beings who want to be constructive in solving problems and making things better in spite of what seems to be a growing climate of disrespect and cynicism.

I have a home study premarital course for couples in PDF format. Each time I revise it, I create mistakes. I miss punctuation, sometimes have misspelled words that the computer does not catch, or sentences where I have copied and pasted that have extra or missing words in them. While I can easily spot the writing mistakes of others, it remains a challenge for me to find my own. I skim what I read, I know what I mean, and I tend to continue missing them. So knowing there are errors after this recent revision, I put a note in the initial e-mail telling people that there were errors and to please let me know where they notice them so that I can fix the mistakes.

What do I usually get in response? I receive quite a few statements like "great course, but it has some grammatical errors." Nice, but not helpful. Others will say "you need to fix the errors - they were distracting.". Also not helpful. Last week I got one telling me how horrible it was, that I would get an F if I turned it in as a college paper and much more. (Interestingly enough, the person made blatant grammatical errors in their tirade. At least it made me chuckle!) But it was neither nice nor helpful.

Then along comes Corporal Wilson. He liked the course, noticed the errors, and was tempted to just list them in a sarcastic way, but he chose to act consciously and constructively. He took the time to list each one that he found and asked me if I would like his corrections and suggestions. I was delighted! He went above and beyond the obvious and also included a few sections that were not clear or that could be interpreted in more than one way, He gave me other thoughtful suggestions to add a few things, some of which I will incorporate. THAT is nice AND helpful! It meant the world to me that he was willing to take the time and effort to help make the course better.

The world needs a lot more people like Corporal Wilson. Anyone can criticize, vomit out sarcasm and blame, demean the efforts of others or simply complain. People do it all the time at home, at work, in public, in politics and in the world. I've done it in some situations. We humans are experts at finding the mistakes of others and some are masters at berating others. But people like Corporal Wilson think before they react and consciously choose to take responsibility to contribute to solutions rather than simply bemoan the problems. They are willing to spend energy and effort to think, to engage, to give their best ideas, to create together something better for the future. Can you imagine the potential we could bring forth if Democrats and Republicans or other polarized groups would choose the way of Corporal Wilson? Can you imagine what could happen if the media were to focus more on the constructive forces working to build bridges and promote the well-being of all of us, images that would inspire the best within us, instead of resorting to filling the airwaves with the most sensational, polarizing and hateful?

Can you think of ways in your own life that you might be able to become more conscious and act more consistently with respect, care, cooperation, vision and positive contribution instead of complaining? I can. I will continue to think of Corporal Wilson more than he will know - with deep gratitude that there are human beings like him that quietly and consistently act from the best part of who they are. People like Corporal Wilson remind me to live more fully from the best in me. Stay safe Cpl. Wilson. The world needs you more than you know.

Fear Destroys - Values Empower All

2010-09-02T10:56:00.003-04:00

A group of Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus and other faiths and peoples in Gainesville are creating an interfaith service both to remember 9-11, and to counter the planned burning of the Quran by another group in Gainesville. They have stood up for peace. Read their Statement on Peace and Understanding here. (There are also details for any who want to attend the service.)

Which group would you be in . .. and why?

I would definitely be at the interfaith service in solidarity with people who recognize our common humanity, our common goals of a better world for ourselves, others, and future generations. I would be there because it is about peace, about respect, about honoring difference while remembering what connects us. It’s about healthy relationship – being able to have a unique self that can be connected to another unique self without having to make that person or group into a clone of ME.

Prejudice is the product of a small life grounded in fear. And as Roosevelt said so eloquently, “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”

Fear puts our brains into self-protection at all costs, irregardless of the damage it causes those around us. Instead of acting from our core self, we act from armored rigidity. Fear also makes our brains believe the ‘other’ is our enemy set out to destroy us. As history has shown us over and over again, when we demonize the ‘other’, it is the first step toward rationalizing doing harm to them. We view ‘them’ with contempt and see them as ‘less than’. Somehow destroying ‘them’ and what matters to them is twisted into the new ‘right’. Dragging God and religion into it twists what is about being good, loving, building peace, creating justice, honoring those who are different from you, into some kind of mandate to destroy ‘otherness’. We see it terrorism. We saw it with Hitler. We see it with hate groups in our own country. We see it in burnings of what is holy to someone else. We see it in the Middle East, Africa and in our own wars. We see it in politics.

But before you and I jump to exclude ourselves from fear based groups, we need to look at ourself and our own relationships. We see fear-based patterns in marriages, families and workplaces – demonizing the other and reacting from fear instead of from who we are in our core. "He/she is the problem" , , ,"I can't do anything until he/she/it changes". . . "he/she is crazy (unpatriotic, those liberals, those right-wingers, etc) That drains our energy, resources and our ability to creatively build a better world for ourselves and others and perpetuates the cycle of fear-based living and relating.

I believe another element that intensifies this demonizing trend, both in groups and in individuals, is a sense of powerlessness. It is that place we tell ourselves we can’t change against ‘them’ and make ourselves into helpless victims. We hand over our personal power and choice to our fear and to external circumstances instead of drawing on our core values and the best of who we are.

What is the remedy?
I think there are several elements – probably the topics of several future posts! But one is remembering who we are and the kind of human being we long to become -- and living more deeply from THAT part of us. Another is holding a vision of a better world for all people, including, but not limited to us. Another is drawing on the deep ethical or religious values of peace, justice, compassion, respect – even when we disagree. It is reclaiming our personal power – that while we cannot always control external circumstances, we do have choice about the meaning we give it, and how we respond to it. Many people in extermination camps in Hitler’s campaign to destroy ‘otherness’ held on to their core, found meaning in life in the face of horror, and never let hatred and the acts of others destroy or take away who they were as human beings.

May we all, individuals, groups and countries, live more each day from that greatness that is within us.

Tell us your ‘remedies’!

One of the Best Relationship Lessons I Have Learned

2010-05-16T09:55:00.002-04:00

I have forgotten most of what I learned in college, but one thing that truly has transformed my life came from a class I never wanted to take and waited until my last semester, hoping they would change their minds about requiring the course. It was Speech. And the lesson was this:

In the course we had to give short speeches of different types on different topics. Near the end of the course, we had to do our longest speech – 10 minutes – and it was to be a persuasive speech. We were to inspire and persuade the class to our position. So on that day, the professor told us to think of a religious, social, or political issue that we were passionate about and write it down. This was the early 70’s, so most of us were passionate about many issues – Vietnam, civil rights, and many more big issues. Nearly everyone in the class, including me, wrote down our issue before the professor even finished giving the instructions.

Then as we sat smiling thinking about how passionately we were going to speak about our issue, he said, “Your assignment is to take the OPPOSITE point of view that you are so passionate about and convince us of the other side’s point of view.” I wish I had a picture of all of us as he said that. We were all stunned. We wanted to throw up. Then there were moans and groans and many of us thought “anything but THAT!”

But we had to do it. It was one of the best assignments and taught me more than nearly anything else in all my years of school. It taught me the challenge and benefit of being able to step into the shoes of someone else with whom I disagreed. It challenged me to step into their mind, their heart, their hopes, dreams, concerns and fears. It challenged me to understand a completely different perspective than my own. It did not make me ‘give up’ my own view or agree with the other side. It helped me ‘get it’ and broadened my own understanding. Most importantly, it opened a path to thinking “how can we address this in ways that best meet the deepest needs and longing, that best addresses the fears and concerns, of BOTH sides.” But you cannot do that unless you truly understand the other side and not only your own.

Every day I try to teach people how to do that with the person they most love and I remain astonished at how hard it is for people not only to do it, but to even be willing to experiment with it. It sometimes strikes me that maybe we think that if we allow the perspective or experience of another person to enter us, it will somehow cancel us or our truth out.

Failure to ‘get’ the world of someone else and why it makes sense, even when we disagree, guarantees polarization, paralysis, and disconnection. That is true of couples, political parties, groups in our society, religions, and countries.

Dialogue and dialogical principles that replace debate and winning the argument or having the last word are a major part of hope for a better world, of truly finding those directions and ‘solutions’ that meet the needs of both, that address deep concerns of both, that lead to connection, to respect, and to co-creation of a better world for all. But we will never be able to create those win-win solutions if we don’t practice the skill and the art of temporarily setting aside our own ‘rightness’ or passion about something to understand the deepest hopes and fears of someone else. As someone once said, “Before you can step into the shoes of someone else, you have to take off your own first.” And if you do, we can create better outcomes than we can even imagine from within our own perspective.

Try it and let me know what it is like and what you learn.

Lessons from a Skinhead Pt. 2 - Basic Needs

2010-04-10T22:58:00.002-04:00

Meeink’s story shows us how both the skinheads and other people met some of his basic human needs. Both in negative and positive ways, meeting those needs, even in small ways, contributed to his sense of connection with other human beings and his transformation into, and out of, the skinheads. Here are some of the needs he mentioned:

Care and Interest: People showed interest in him, his life, what life was like for him.

Acceptance: They provided ‘safety’ for him, not only physically, but safety from criticism.

Doing something together for a higher ‘cause’. Meeink said that doing ‘missions’ together was very bonding. They did things for ‘the cause’ – whether spray-painting synagogues or beating someone. A ‘mission’ can be destructive or constructive, but groups that do things together for a higher purpose bond members more and more to the group. I often tell couples that doing things together to make the world better is very bonding for them as a couple, but it also bonds them to other people with whom they share the experience.

Years ago, I used to work regularly in retreat programs. Doing that bonded me to other people on the retreat team in very powerful ways. Some of them are my best friends to this day. Others that I may have worked with once or twice, could see me in a restaurant, and the feeling of immediate connection is there.

Meeink went to prison for kidnapping and beating a man for hours and videotaping it. In prison, his life began to change and his hatred started to dissolve. How?

Seeing beyond appearance and efforts to connect with him:
What began his transformation was black guys asking him to join them in sports in prison. They were friendly toward him. They talked together about their girlfriends and baby’s that were on the way. They looked beyond his swastikas and his 'role' and saw him as simply another human being.

Offering hope of something better: He said that one guy was the first person that ever gave him a sense of hope simply by saying that there was still a chance when his girlfriend broke up with him. That man and one or two others help up a vision of the possible and of the possibility of creating a new life.

Emotional Intimacy: By sharing what was important to him and some of those men letting him see their thoughts and feelings, they created basic intimacy – seeing into each other.

Contact with people he had stereotyped replaced fear and hatred: He decided that because of his experience with fellow inmates, he would no longer hate Blacks, Latinos or Asians and would just hate Jews because he didn’t know any. Then one day someone told him a guy was paying good money for help to move some antiques. The guy turned out to be Jewish. Meeink didn’t care because he needed the money and worked 3 days for an agreed $100 per day. Expecting the guy would cheat him because he was a Jew, he was surprised when the man not only paid him his $300, but gave him another $100 because he had worked so hard.

Recognized and expressed the positive in him: The Jewish man drove Meeink home and when Meeink made some comment about his own stupidity, the Jewish man told him to never call himself stupid – that he was very smart, even if it was from street-smarts. Meeink made some comment about this Jewish man ‘ruining’ his last stereotype.

Meeink longed for connection, for acceptance, for someone to see who he really was inside, to give him hope and to treat him like a fellow human being.

Now Meeink speaks to kids across the country on hatred and harmony and has a program to help kids through hockey. He is working with others for a ‘higher’ cause and bonding with others, but this time it is to make the world better and to build a society that respects every human being, even those who are different from us.

We can all learn something from his transformation.

Relationship Lessons from a Skinhead Pt. 1

2010-04-09T19:56:00.003-04:00

I know it sounds strange, but all relationships can give us clues about what all human beings need, whether it is our spouse, partner, friend, co-worker, or even a skinhead.

I heard a fascinating interview on NPR radio with Frank Meeink who wrote a book, From Hatred to Harmony: Autobiography of a Recovering Skinhead. I haven’t read the book yet, but the radio interview was fascinating. I was curious about what leads to such hatred and how could someone who hates so much, turn that around?

Part 1 will look at factors in the formation into a skinhead and ways we do them in less intense ways in our own lives.

In Part 2 we will look at the needs that were met both in the skinheads and people in our lives that can lead to transformation and renunciation of hatred.

How Hatred is Born:
1. Humiliation, powerlessness
Meeink grew up with his mother and her boyfriend who was abusive. He describes being beaten and how he grew up being afraid of men. He also had an experience at school of being one of about 2- white kids who had to run together from the bus to the school so they would not be bullied. No one at home was interested in him or what he experienced, thought, felt.. He hung out on a street where kids from similar backgrounds spent the day, including skinheads. Some of you may have violence in your neighborhood or home, or you had it as a child.

Most of us think we are above that behavior and think we are nothing like Meeink’s stepfather or skinheads.

But there are many ways people, and perhaps we, humiliate and disempower people without ever touching them.
Have you ever:

Criticized someone?
Used sarcasm?
Told someone they were stupid or didn’t know what they were talking about?
Discounted or ridiculed what they believe in?
Ridiculed them in front of others?
Used put-downs or contradicted them repeatedly in front of others?
Berated them for what kind of student, child, parent, spouse, person they are?
Made fun of their weight, nose, or some other physical attribute?
Have you ever gone behind a family member, spouse, partner, refolding laundry, re-wiping the counter, etc. because the person didn’t do it exactly the way you do it?
Expressed lack of belief in their ability to do something or to change?
Demeaned what they do or how they do it?
Done everything for someone because you have to have control or do it in the ‘right’ way?
Always find something wrong with someone or what they do?
Failed to notice and express appreciation, what they do right, good things about them?

2. Lack of interest, care or attention by parents:
He said that no one had ever asked him what his life or his experience was like and when the skinheads asked him, it felt like they cared.

Even in relatively healthy families we have to be on guard for disconnection.

Coming home after school or work and spending the rest of the evening in front of the TV, computer, video game, book, or work.
Never asking about your partner or child’s day, experience at school or work – or ask, but then turn your attention to something else before they can even respond.
Being so busy with ‘to do’s’ that you never have time to sit and listen.
Not listening.
Telling your partner or someone else you don’t care about what they are saying or don’t want to hear it – or you already know what they are going to say.
Trying to talk or listen while multi-tasking.
Interrogating.
Jumping in to advise or admonish instead of trying to understand what the experience was like for the other person.
Discounting the other person's experience as unimportant or just their problem.

3. Low self-esteem:
Meeink talks about feeling inadequate, a failure and how with the skinheads he felt like someone. Being very smart and creative, he signed up for a cable access station and started his own TV program in his teens. He also said how his swastika tattoos and crazy look appealed to TV viewers and he became known and looked up to.

I heard an interview several years ago about a man who was a Muslim religious extremist and he described many of the same factors. He was bullied, felt helpless and describes the feeling of finally being someone, finally having a sense of power by becoming very fundamentalist. He was ‘right’ and everyone else was ‘wrong’. He knew ‘the truth’. He was part of something more ‘pure’ than his family and friends. Fortunately, he also turned his life around to promote respect and tolerance of difference.

4. Fear of others
Meeink was afraid of his stepfather and of men because of the violence. He was also afraid of people who were different from him or who he did not know and that was fed by the skinheads.

In what ways to you promote fear of people who look, think, believe, act different from the way you do, whether through race, political views, religion, culture, or lifestyle?
Have you ever forwarded e-mails that communicate how we have to fear another group of people or a political figure?
Portrayed others who think or believe differently as 'evil' or 'bad'?
Used stereotypes of groups or religions to tell others to instill or fuel fear?

5. Experience of power in a destructive way:
He describes an incident when he was about 14 where a large skinhead put him on his shoulders, walked into a bar and beat up some guy. Meeink describes the feeling of being on the other side of a beating for the first time in his life.

Have you ever praised someone in life or movies for ‘beating the crap out of that guy’.
Made comments about physically hurting or destroying someone or a particular group of people?
Laughed about violence in a movie?

There are ways we create similar climates of shame, powerlessness, humiliation, and fear with people in our lives – probably not to the extreme as Meeink experienced -- but destructive to people around us nevertheless.

Next in Part 2: What Turns Hatred Around – What Human Beings Need in Relationships

Proposing Principles of Respectful Conversations

2010-04-03T00:05:00.003-04:00

Today I felt encouraged when someone shared with me this statement from a group they joined. It says to me that in various ways some people are seeking some of the principles I and others try to teach in marriage and other relationships.

It seems that more and more people are hungry for more respectful interaction at many levels. I personally wish dialogical principles could permeate all the different political, religious, professional, and other groups in our society and the world. I hope this group and others can stay true to the principles of process, no matter what the content!

Here’s what the group says:

“. . . . . . . aims to reinvigorate the public sphere, drawing from diverse backgrounds and diverse perspectives, with the goal of expanding the influence of the people in America's political arena. We do not require nor adhere to any preexisting ideology. We encourage deliberation guided by reason amongst the many viewpoints held by our members. We see our diversity as a strength, not a weakness, because we believe that faithful deliberation from multiple vantage points is the best way to achieve the common good. It is in the responsible and reasonable practice of deliberation that we hope to contribute to society.”

(I’m not including the name of the group because I’m not promoting it – I just want to share what I think is a positive direction of a growing group of people toward honoring difference.)

Perhaps in whatever groups or relationships you or I belong to, we can propose our own set of principles to speak and act respectfully and civilly when we have differing views, experiences, cultures, religions, political opinions – or ways of paying bills, cleaning the house, and resolving accidentally hurt feelings.

Freedom Does Not Justify Harming Others

2010-04-01T08:03:00.001-04:00

What is happening to human decency, to compassion, to our sense of common humanity. I just saw on TV where a grieving father has been ordered by a court to pay abusive protestors at his son’s funeral because the young man died serving his country. I don’t care what people’s political views are on the war. To hold up signs at the funeral that the son is cursed and going to hell and things like “thank God for dead soldiers” – all in the name of some twisted church’s view that God punishes the country for tolerating homosexuality by killing young men and women. They have a right to believe whatever they want because of people just like that young marine.

Freedom comes with responsibility. Even if they believe that, where is their humanity that they would so deeply wound his parents, family, friends who are grieving the loss of someone precious to them. Disagreement with political, social or even moral issues does not justify inhumanity towards others at any time, let alone in their most painful moment.

The federal court who required the father to pay the fees of the church whom he sued was wrong. The church has already said it will use the money to carry on more of their protests at military funerals. The court in this case was no better than the protesters.

Disagree with other people. Disagree with your spouse, partner, friends and co-workers. But do it in a way that is respectful of the human being in front of you. Do it with decency. Abusive behavior is never OK no matter how passionate you are about your own beliefs and your own belief that your way is the ‘right’ way. Thinking you are ‘right’ is no excuse for harming others by spewing insults and hatred.

More on the Legacy of Affairs

2010-02-05T22:52:00.002-05:00

I am watching 20-20 and story of Gov. Mark Sanford’s continued affair with his Argentinian lover – who happens to look a lot like his wife! As I watch it, I wish every person even slightly moving into an affair to not only think about the impact on the spouse or partner, but as part of the legacy you leave your children, your family, your friends. You change the world not only for yourself, but for them – all in a negative way. You make the world more fragmented and untrusting and in pain.

What is it like for Sanford’s kids to know that about their father that they respected and looked up to as kids tend to do unless they are in abusive or neglectful families. How do they experience the betrayal of their mother, of marriage or committed relationship, of family, and of integrity. He destroys would could have been an incredible legacy of integiry and of real love.

I was in high school when I realized my father was cheating on my mother. I didn’t want to believe it. I loved my father and up until that time I respected him. I was happy that ours was (or seemed to be) a solid, happy family. I felt devastated. It couldn’t be MY father. I lost the respect I had for him. His word no longer meant anything.

As I have said here before, there are many reasons people have affairs. Sometimes it is a symptom of disconnection in the marriage or primary relationship and sometimes it is internal issues. Sometimes it is poor boundaries. Sometimes it is an arrogant sense of entitlement to have and do anything you want no matter how it impacts others. Affairs usually make sense, but that does not justify them.

While there have always been affairs, I think the constant barrage on TV, movies, books numbs us to the reality.

You are not a victim. You are responsible for your own integrity as a human being and the impact your behavior has on others that love you. I love Stephen Covey’s comments in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He said that even when we think a behavior or choice is immediate, there is always that fraction of a second before it when we have a choice. I hear people say they can't help yelling at, berating, name calling toward their partner. Yes you can -- even if it is to walk out of the room. You are not helpless. And your behavior does not happen in isolation from the rest of your life and the world.

YOU HAVE CHOICE and are responsible for the choices you make. Make your choices ones that you would be proud to have as your legacy to your family and friends -- and to a better world for all people.

Leaving Comments

2010-01-31T19:03:00.002-05:00

I just realized that for some reason my blog comment form has not been working -- for who knows how long! So for those who have tried to leave a comment, I apologize and do indeed welcome your thoughts about the topics!

Tradition Matters

2010-01-13T07:30:00.003-05:00

Over the holidays, I realized what a ‘traditionalist’ I am! I’m not traditional in my view of the world or my thinking. I am open to different or new. But I do treasure and want to preserve the symbolic and the familiar that matter to me and to other people.

What brought this home to me so powerfully were two holiday events, women sharing our favorite memories of childhood Christmas events and traditions, and our family celebration of the Christmas Eve -- it’s called “Nochebuena” in my big fat adopted Cuban family.

A few nights before Christmas, the women in our family, ages 10 to 85 gathered for our 20 year traditional meal and telling of stories, hopes and things we are grateful for. This year we told stories of Christmas in our childhood – favorite traditions and gifts, and new traditions they have created in their own families. Many of the stories were about family traditions, how gifts were given, how the tree was decorated, how the family gathered and religious traditions. People laughed and everyone talked about how much fun it was to talk about those things that they looked forward to each year and that helped make Christmas Christmas for them.

The second event was this year’s celebration. Over the past thirty years, I have celebrated every Nochebuena, heard numerous stories of family celebrations and traditions in Cuba, and enjoyed the smiles and sparkle in the eyes that come with remembering and re-telling. Memories are shared, not only from the oldest family members, but even from our next generation who readily tell you how much they loved Nochebuena at their grandparents house in this country. They have new stories, but stories that carry within them the ‘old’ of the traditions of Nochebuena.

This year we had a delicious meal and fun talking with one another and the joy of welcoming new babies in our family, but I found myself so disappointed because it did not feel like Nochebuena. I missed the usual Nochebuena ‘traditions’. After we arrived, we heard that the plan was specifically to have ‘no Cuban food’. This is a Cuban-American family when there are specific foods that are very much part of the tradition (like turkey on Thanksgiving). Instead we were have gourmet barbecue. You could wear jeans, when the tradition is that people dress nicely to honor the occasion and the celebration. It's not a day like any other day. Another part of the tradition is ‘sobre mesa’ where you sit together with the people you eat with and talk. Admittedly it is hard to do with so many of us! Our family tradition is to gather and say a blessing before we eat because we have so many gifts to be thankful for.

So why do those little things matter? They sound so insignificant. Christmas is Christmas with or without them, whether you view it as a religious or a secular celebration. But no matter how small, those little things are like golden threads that weave together past generations and experiences with the present and with the future. They honor culture, people who preceded us, and are like an anchor for the family in the present. When you say ‘Nochebuena’ everyone knows what that means and what it’s like. We all start looking forward to it. Honoring the traditions doesn’t mean you cannot bring new foods and activities into it. Over the years we have experimented with a variety of things – but as an addition to the tradition, not a replacement.

When you replace tradition, you erase it. You devalue it, even if you don’t mean to. You eliminate not only the specific thing, but part of what creates the climate that means so much to people and their culture. To me, it felt dishonoring. I don’t at all think the hosts meant for it to be that. They were very gracious and welcoming of our big clan. They would probably be surprised to read this because they intended the best. But I walked away sad, as if a connection had been broken – a connection with a country that I never have seen except through the eyes, words and traditions of those who lived there even though I am not a blood relative, a connection with my adopted ‘grandparents’ who shared past Nochebuenas with us and are with us only in spirit, a connection with a community. And something felt broken with the older members of our family who are here and who have carried the traditions to this country as a precious treasure when they had to leave everything else behind in Cuba. They brought their memories and their culture. I felt especially sad for them because it is something that has such deep memory and meaning for them and connects them with a country they left behind. Without those small things that are traditional, it was like a meal we could have had any day of any week just to get together, not Nochebuena.

Whether or not you are Cuban, whether or not Christmas has religious meaning for you, whether or not you are vegetarian or like a particular food, find ways to include and honor what matters to people and families. Honor tradition for its ability to create bridges across time and place, and to bring into a holiday or event a lifetime of memories and feelings of connection into the present moment.

Tradition matters. Honor the people who hold them by finding ways to combine the old with the new.

Bruce, Our UPS Guy, Changes the World

2009-10-31T11:13:00.003-04:00

We get a variety of package delivery people coming to our office building. Most are pleasant, some friendly, but occasionally you get someone who who snaps at you if you ask a question, makes no effort, and leaves you with a sour taste. In that mix is our building’s main UPS guy, Bruce. Bruce is busy and doesn’t waste time fooling around. He is on his UPS mission to get those packages delivered in good time. Yet, every day Bruce changes the world.

Today, as he has in the past, in a brief encounter, he made my world better. I passed him in the hall as he was leaving the building, we exchanged a few remarks in passing and I walked to my office with a smile and more brightness in my day. Probably just about everyone in our building, male/female, young/older would tell you the same thing about even the briefest encounter with Bruce. And when Bruce brings that positive connection to his customers, each of us then meet the people in our own lives with more aliveness and joy. And the ripples continue.

Maybe Bruce does dramatic things in his private life, and maybe not. But when he comes to our building, Bruce is a great example of how you change your world right where you are in what you do each day. Bruce makes the world better every day and with each person he meets on his route by his ever present smile, his bright outlook, his sense of humor, and in the way that he always makes a personal connection even in a 15 second hall passing or a 1-2 minute package delivery. I’m sure there are days that he gets frustrated, that he has personal concerns, or has a disagreement with someone, but he doesn’t let it sour his day or his approach to the people he meets. I think he takes pride in being the UPS guy that he is, and the person he is.

We can all learn from Bruce, the UPS guy. Creating connection, being present to someone, making someone’s day better because of your presence in it, are all done through little things like smiles, attitude, interest, looking someone in the eye when they talk, a personal connection no matter how brief -- and those little things have an even greater impact when done consistently. Bruce has been our UPS guy for a long time and he has brought his bright presence to us from Day 1. THAT is just as important in creating a better world as people who do dramatic big things. And even the big things start with consistent smaller steps.

So think about what you bring into the lives of each person you meet in a day – whether family, friend, co-worker, customer, employee, grocery store clerk, physician, or your delivery person. Think about people you know like Bruce, the UPS guy, what they bring into their days and then ask yourself, "What kind of world do I create each day?

A Man, His Mother and His Wife: In-law Conflict

2009-10-02T20:12:00.004-04:00

A recent report about men choosing to stand up for their mother over their wife in conflict made some important points, but also gave information that I think does not adequately consider the nature of conflict. (In-law conflict and troubled marriages by Dr. Terri Apter ) While it is indeed possible to end up with the mother-in-law (or the daughter-in-law) from hell, much of the conflict can be prevented and good skills can help you navigate the rest.

Part of what I did like about the article was the comparison of the neurochemical similarities in parent/child love and early romantic love. Dr. Apter mentions gazing into each other’s eyes and Dr. Helen Fisher’s research on gazing into each other’s eyes has caused her to frequently recommend a 2 minute gaze (without talking) for couples who have ‘lost that loving feeling’.

Dr. Apter also points out what I think is one of the primary fears of the parent that can cause reactive behavior in the parent: “how will my son’s marriage change my relationship with him?” From what I have seen, mothers often have a fear that they will be replaced, that they won’t be ‘needed’ any more, and that they are not going to have time or attention from their son. They fear him 'going away' in some way. The daughter-in-law can be viewed as the reason he will 'go away' and as competition for time and attention, even if on an unconscious level.

One of the examples Dr. Apter gave was woman who tried to talk with her mother-in-law about feeling frozen out of family gatherings and that the mother preferred the son’s ex-wife and it spiraled into a shouting match with name calling (probably on both sides). While I think the example is a common situation, I disagree with what seems to put the problem on men. When the son calls his wife about the names she called his mother (which he could have done in a better way), the wife retorts by telling him he should stand by her (the wife). What Dr. Apter doesn’t say, at least in this article, is that as soon as you give any message that says “you should choose me over your mother/children/family”, you are dead in the water. That is a terrible place to put your spouse or anyone in – choose me against someone else that you deeply love because I’m your wife/husband/partner. Understandably, the husband goes ballistic. As I read it, I thought, “what do you expect”? Of course he is going to get reactive, feeling he is being torn and having to choose his wife over his mother. Dr. Apter label’s it “Cal’s aggressive response" and that it "puts his marriage at risk” I would say that Cal’s reactivity (a response to ‘danger’ in his emotional brain, was not the triggering event. The reactivity had started between his wife and his mother, who both reacted angrily to each other. He adds to the distress, but the inability of each person to talk about difficult things in a respectful, effective way is what puts the marriage at risk.

The next example was a woman who screams at her husband because she felt the mother was rude to her. As she is screaming at her husband, he freezes then leaves the house. He comes back, she starts screaming at him again and he leaves again. The wife’s interpretation is that when she tries to talk to him about his mother, he clams up and leaves. Once again, we have the situation where the wife is reactive -- screaming to the husband and then blaming him because for some seemingly mysterious reason, his emotional brain says ‘danger’ with her screaming at him. Big surprise that he “freezes” and leaves. If she starts screaming as soon as he comes back, why would he not leave again? Dr, Apter does go on to describe the men’s actions as ‘defensive reactions’ in response to perceived danger in conflict. So it is not just the man's issue, it is also and initially, the wife's.

My take on the situations are that they are a normal response to ‘reactivity’. Reactivity is some human version of freeze, flee, attack, threaten, or submit in response to real or perceived danger -- physical OR emotional 'danger’. Blaming, attacking, criticizing, controlling, whining, complaining (which are also reactive expressions to perceived 'danger'0 will nearly always get you some form of 'defensiveness'. Reactivity breeds more reactivity.

Learning to create emotional ‘safety’ is skill to continue building and refining in all our relationships, especially those most important to us.

So how do you create more ‘safety’ in these man, mother, wife hurts, fears and frustrations? While it may vary from situation to situation, I think there are some basic suggestions that can help:

1. When you find yourself hurt or frustrated with your mother-in-law, first look at what that is really about for you. What is the message the mother-in-law’s behavior communicates to you (even if she doesn’t mean it?) (Examples: you aren’t good enough, you are not important, what you need doesn’t matter, etc.). She has probably accidentally bumped into one of your emotional buttons--most likely because of her own fears. (More on that in another blog post!). So one explanation might be that your initial interpretation is true. But maybe that is not at all her intent and what you tell yourself about her words or behavior is more about you. What is another possible explanation for her behavior that comes from a neutral or even positive motive on her part -- even if it is to protect herself?

2. Remind yourself that you have choice in terms of your response, even if it bumped into your button. Stephen Covey says "Between the stimulus and the response is your greatest power--you have the freedom to choose your response. one of the most important things you choose is what you say." How can you respond more from your core values, from the kind of human being you want to be? How can you respond in the most constructive and sensitive way possible, while still being able to express your concerns?

3. Be curious about what might be going inside your mother-in-law’s mind and heart. What might be her fear or concern? How might she feel threatened, even if that is not your intent. Know that a common fear is somehow ‘losing’ her son to you. Find ways to communicate in a variety of ways that you do want him to spend time with his parents/family – sometimes alone and sometimes with you and that you want to be connected to them too. Appreciate to your mother-in-law how important family is to them and how you share that value. If we were to take the first example about mother-in-law inviting ex-wife, think about being in her shoes. Here is likely a former daughter-in-law that they did bond with, that might even be the mother of a grandchild. Many parents tell daughter-in-laws in divorce situations that they will always be part of the family. Maybe she is also worried about the awkwardness of having ex-wife and new wife there together. It would be important for new wife to not criticize that, but to also express her understanding of mother-in-law seeing the ex as part of the family and that while it may be a little uncomfortable for everyone at first, you are hopeful that all of you can move past that. Ask what she thinks might be helpful to ease that tension and also give your ideas. And, reiterate your desire to also become part of the family, even though you are the new kid on the block, so to speak. Express understanding to your man and then in some way communicate it to the mother. Seek to work together, not to complain or criticize. Those situations can be hard for everyone. Ultimately, everyone has to learn to be a grown-up in those situations, even if it is simply to be civil. Talk to your spouse beforehand about what he could do to help support you in that situation and then ask what support he needs from you. Is there a way you both can also help support his mother in those situations?

4. Never, ever, ever directly or indirectly imply that he has to pick you, choose you, or support you against his mother/children/family. Always, always, respect his love for her and seek to find ways to work through tough or awkward situations together in ways that address everyone’s concerns – including his and Mom’s!

5. While it is important for you to build a relationship with your new family-in-law, also recognize that it is important for him to sometimes spend time with them/Mom alone. Encourage him to visit, call (assuming he wants too!). Build your own one-on-one time with Mom. Invite her to help you pick out something, teach you to cook something. Ask her what she has learned in marriage, in life for success. This spending time goes for sister-in-laws too. You are building friendships/family relationships with them. Some of them you will like, some you may not. But do your best. You can only control your own behavior, attitude and approach.

6. Learn good conflict handling skills between you and your husband. If you have an issue with his Mom, say you have a concern and because you know how important family is, you want to find the best way possible to resolve it and you don’t want to put him in the middle. How can the two of you approach it in a respectful, caring way? Never criticize a family member. Even when someone doesn’t have a great relationship with a family member, even if they say negative things about them, they usually don’t want anyone else to say anything bad about them and will become very protective. That doesn’t mean you just swallow your concern. Name the behavior, how you end up feeling, and how you want to find a way to get along and make it work better for everyone involved. Sometimes a sister-in-law that you DO get along with can be a help!

Working through the inevitable hurts, frustrations, fears and misunderstandings of in-laws, and any relationship, is part of our journey toward greater wholeness. We will all make mistakes, but the journey can be just as rewarding as our ideal destination if we are committed to peaceful, caring, respectful honoring of both our own needs and those of others. Always seek ways to address the concerns of both!

Contempt - A Relationship and Joy Killer

2009-09-25T20:07:00.004-04:00

Every now and then, either in my personal or professional interactions, I come across someone who has allowed resentment about a person or a situation or events in life to build into something much bigger – contempt. I hate being in the room with it - even if it is happening across the room in a social setting.

Contempt is when you begin to look down on someone, to see them as inferior or worthless and to express it through words or actions. There is an energy with contempt. One sign of contempt can be intentionally saying or doing things to communicate to the other person what a ‘nothing’ he or she is. It will come out in things like name-calling, hostile humor or ridiculing, sarcasm, how you wished you never married/met the person, or even a disgusted look or tone. It sometimes comes out as saying negative things about them in front of other people so others will know how bad he or she is too. This is different from conflict or frustration. It becomes an attitude and habitual way of looking down at the other person, not only their behavior.

A big part of what causes contempt (and resentment) is what you habitually tell yourself about the person and their behavior. You rehearse thoughts and create patterns of thinking by what you tell yourself about people and events. Rehearsing distress not only causes you see more of it and interpret things/people in that light, but it also ‘wires’ your brain to keep going to the same thought.

Contempt is like having a termite colony inside yourself and your relationship(s). It eats at your own outlook and core self and rots your relationship. It is no wonder that the leading researcher on successful marriages and relationships – John Gottman – calls it one of the ‘four horsemen of the apocalypse’. The term is taken from the Christian Bible as forces that wreak havoc and signal the coming of the end of the world. Gottman goes on to say that if contempt, or any of these ‘horsemen’ (the others are criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling), becomes the pattern of handling conflict or distress in your relationship, and you don’t change the pattern, you are likely to divorce -- or just stay miserable and bitter.

Who wants to live with someone who thinks they are worthless? Who wants to live with someone who is bitter and resentful and always seeing you in the worst possible light?

Some things you can do right away if contempt or resentment has taken root in your mind and heart:

Remember what was positive about the person in the first place, what made you want to be with them, what did you like about them and where is that evident now – even if only a little bit?
What are the stories you make up in your head about them, their behavior, and their intent? What might be at least 2 other neutral or positive reasons for the behavior you hate?
How are you adding to the distress and disconnection in the relationship, even if you don't mean to?
You find what you look for. Start looking for the positive. Even if it is a co-worker, look for the best in them.
Imagine what it is like living on the other side of your behavior (as if you were standing in their shoes). How might you or your words or behavior be coming across as uncaring, judgmental, superior, controlling, disconnected, nagging, critical, etc. --- even when you don't mean for it to? Distress in relationships is created by both parties.
When a behavior or statement frustrates you, ask to talk to create something that might work better for both of you. Then, talk about the behavior and the effect it had on you, even if they did not mean for it to. Help them understand what it says to you and what happens to you as a result. Leave out blame and shame. Listen to their concerns and needs about the situation. THEN talk about what would be more helpful to you BOTH in those kind of situations. Think together of how to implement actions that will work better for BOTH of you.
Start changing your own behavior to create more of the kind of relationship you want.
Realize that bitterness, resentment, contempt, criticism and negativity damage you, not just the other person. It kills inner peace and joy in life. Do yourself and your relationship a big favor by stopping yourself from fueling it.
Get help if you need it. (even if you get help, you will still need to do 1-8 on this list!)

We Need More Civility in ALL Our Relationships

2009-09-13T11:44:00.003-04:00

This week I read two Letters to the Editor in my local newspaper that touched on what I wanted to write this week – civility – also known as speaking to and treating others respectfully, whether or not you agree with them. What triggered the topic was the “You lie!” comment shouted out by a Senator during the President’s speech. Civility is not about politics. It’s about respect and how we treat each other as human beings, whether in Congress, at work, in e-mail, or at home – at all times -- and especially when we disagree. If there were more civility in homes, between spouses, partners, parents and children, we would have a much better world.

The first letter published on 9-11 said, “Why should the Congressman from South Carolina apologize? . . . To say the congressman was out of line is ludicrous.”

The letter today reminded us of how we came together as a country after the tragedy of 9-11. We transcended race, political party lines, to face together what had happened. . . “an unusual kindness prevailed”. The writer went on to say that we could use some of that now to address problems in our country. I agree. Focusing on a problem together leads to action, instead of to paralysis.

Right now as I am typing these words, Sen. Olympia Snowe (R) is addressing the issue of civility on Face the Nation while talking about healthcare. When referring to the “You lie” comment, she said it is “Unfortunate and disgraceful . . . brings disrespect . . .I haven’t seen anything like that in 16 years in Congress. To express ourselves is important . . . civility would help us get more done.
Hooray for Sen. Snowe!!! Disagreement can indeed move us forward. Rudeness creates division and protective behavior.

Healthy, respectful, thoughtful disagreement makes often makes our decisions better. We can consider things we may not have thought of. We can address the concerns of more people. But disagreement should be done with the characteristics stated in by Institute for Civility in Government:

“Civility is about more than merely being polite, although being polite is an excellent start. Civility fosters a deep self-awareness, even as it is characterized by true respect for others. Civility requires the extremely hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and perhaps fierce disagreements. It is about constantly being open to hear, to learn, to teach and to change. It seeks common ground as a beginning point for dialogue when differences occur, while at the same time recognizes that differences are enriching. It is patience, grace, and strength of character.

“Civility is claiming and caring for one's identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else's in the process.”
...and it begins with us.

So we have to ask ourselves some questions:

What kind of human beings do we want to be?
What kind of relational climate do we want to create?
What do we want to teach and model for our children?

Do we want rude, shouting, disrespectful – like The Simpsons? I know we can do better!!!

What kind of world are YOU creating by YOUR own words, tone, and behavior?

Affairs & Betrayal of Trust Are NOT OK

2009-08-16T11:06:00.003-04:00

Today I saw something on Twitter and the Web that really ticked me off. It was a site designed to connect people who are currently in a marriage or significant relationship who want to ‘discreetly date’ on the side and have an affair – because 'life is short'. Essentially it is telling people not only to have an affair, but to lie and betray the trust of the person they are with. What is just as disturbing to me is that it boasts having 4,320,000 like-minded members!

I often say that I wish every person getting married, or making a commitment to a partner, could sit in my counseling office for 2 weeks and hear and see a few examples of the devastation that happens with affairs. It shatters the spouse or partner, it damages the person(s) having the affair because 90% of them know inside they are out of integrity with their deepest values (even if they are atheists), and it frequently damages the affair partner – both from the integrity issue and because they are often strung along with promises of leaving the marriage/relationship -- all so someone can have his or her cake and eat it to—regardless of the cost to the people they profess love for.

There are many reasons (both internal and/or in the current relationship) for affairs and it usually makes a lot of sense why people have them, although that doesn’t justify them or excuse them. There is also no excuse for pursuing someone you know is already married or in a committed relationship.

If you are unhappy or ‘want more’ or 'something is missing', get help to bring more of what you want and need into your current relationship. Those feelings of desire for someone else or something else can be clues that you need to enliven your current relationship. Sometimes it touches into the person's own fears of deep connection. Sometimes people need help communicating their needs and longings in a way that their partner can hear and understand it – often the partner also is less than happy too! Sometimes they are just oblivious.

This site promoting cheating on the side promotes something that damages the foundations of a strong relationship – trust. Even the so-called polyamorists (people who openly agree to have more than one sexual partner) have a code of honesty and agreement.

Destroying someone’s trust in you and others as a ripple effect-- even non-sexual relationships – is NOT OK. That betrayal of the gift of trust is what hurts the most and it is the hardest to re-build. Encouraging people to do that very thing, as this site does, is more unethical and immoral than the people who have affairs.

If you are tempted to have an affair, or find yourself thinking more and more about someone else in a romantic way, DON’T DO IT! Stop, take stock of what is missing in your current relationship and what you want or need more of, and then begin working together with your current partner to renew your marriage or relationship. It can be a wake-up call for both people and opportunity to make your marriage or relationship more fulfilling for both of you! If you need help, get it. More often than not couples can enliven and renew their love and connection . Don't destroy your own integrity and trustworthiness and the trust of someone you claim to love.

RESOURCES:
Articles:
Are You Going Through a Stage: article on stages of relationships
Affairs: End or New Beginning?

Books:
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen Hunt, Ph.D.
How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It by Pat Love & Steven Stosny
Hot Monogamy by Pat Love
1001 Ways to Be Romantic by Godek
Click here for some other relationship books I recommend (Including some about affairs)

What World Do We Create with Our Words?

2009-08-08T10:10:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, Sarah Palin, wrote on her Facebook page that Obama’s health care plan is “downright evil” and will involve “death panels” who will decide if we get health care based on our productivity in society. (The only references to productivity in the bill is in regards to a section in the Social Security bill in terms of market, not people, so I am confused about what she is referring to.). But whether you agree or disagree with the proposed healthcare reforms, whether you like Obama or Palin, I encourage you to pay attention to what they (and others – even you and I!) create with our choice of words.

When we speak , draw, or write, the way we name things, is a creative act. The Jewish story of Creation is a an example of understanding that power. God speaks, and the world, things, people, come into existence. We speak and attitudes, climates, behaviors and what we call ‘realities’ come into being.

Whether it is a politician, a religious leader, or a spouse, or co-worker, when you throw out highly charged words, you trigger reactive responses and create a climate of fear, frenzy and hatred. You demonize the person, group, position that is ‘different’ than yours and define an adversarial relationship in which one cannot legitimately exist. It taps into a very primitive part of us – the fight or flight – section of the brain that makes the brain think it needs to go into a protective pattern to survive. We become just like animals who sense danger. You can already see the emotion and language escalating at meetings on healthcare. Being passionate and concerned is one thing. Demonizing is another.

Is that primitive part of the brain what we want determining the world we create for the future in our country, or in our own relationships?

History is replete with the demonization of the other – making the ‘other’ bad, evil, less than human and using extreme language, combined with patriotism or religion -- with disastrous consequences. It usually sounds like: “If you are a 'good' _______ (American, Muslim, Christian,, etc), those people who do not think, act, believe or look like you) are the ‘enemy’ and ‘evil’ (Jews, Japanese, Blacks, Whites, Shiite, Christians, Gays, etc) and we must destroy evil.” “You cannot be ‘good’ and support ‘them’.”

We start defining 'them' and issues as a fight of the forces of good and evil. With that either/or, good/bad, thinking you create your identity based on hatred of the other. It’s like the ‘pals around with terrorists’ approach to prey on fears. We all saw how that kind of rhetoric whipped up crowds up to a frenzy and people shouting death statements. That’s now happening with healthcare reform. People are screaming and reacting from that part of the brain in healthcare meeting. Some are sending death threats. It comes from the same place in the brain as road rage. I hope we can elevate the discussion, no matter how passionate we are, to passion informed and tempered by reason and respect for difference.

My wish is that together, regardless of our position, we will focus on co-create a constructive vision and plans for the future, rather than letting fear and reactivity create more fear and polarization. And I hope all of us, will be more conscious of the consequences of our choice of words in our everyday life, including the way we speak to and about people we love.

Blue Zone Longevity Lessons for Relationships

2009-08-04T22:57:00.004-04:00

If you watch TV or read the paper, you probably have seen something about Dan Buettner and his book, The Blue Zones, that reports on the common factors for a long, fulfilling life. On his website, Dan has combined those factors into 4 primary groups. I think they also apply to marriage and other relationships.

1. Move Naturally – including PLAY!
Many of the couples I see are so caught up in work, chores, transporting kids, that they don’t make time for fun, play and activities together as a couple. While it is also important to set aside special times for ‘family’ activities, taking time for the two of you is vital to bring energy to your relationship. It can be simple, but needs to happen regularly.

2. Right Outlook:
Dan found that across the world, people who lived long full lives, had a sense of purpose in their life. It did not necessarily depend on one’s job. It was a sense of who they were, what they wanted to bring to the world as a human being. As Stephen Covey always makes so clear, that sense of purpose, mission or vision becomes a compass to always point you in the right direction with your decisions and behavior.

Buettner also encourages times during the day to make a mini-oasis of calm, to breathe, to re-center, to re-energize.

3. Eat Wisely:
Just as we need to be mindful of what we put into our body and the effects of those foods and substances have both short and long-term. More and more people are becoming more conscious of the foods they eat, but not many look at how and what they feed their spouse, partner, friend, children or co-workers. What do you bring into your relationship, what do you put into it? What, if anything, do you feed it? It needs more than junk food!

4. Belong to the right ‘tribe’:
Having a network of people you love and who love you, who support your vision is very important. Find and keep people who support you, your values, your marriage or relationship, who bring positives to your life and commitments of your love and care. He also includes connection to spirituality – whatever that may be for you – that which causes you to feel connected and held by that which is bigger than you and all of us.

With Buettner’s advice, we can not only live longer and healthier physical lives, but also healthier and more fulfilling emotional, spiritual and loving relationships.

Make your relationships and your family a 'blue zone'!

Until next time!

Do You Need Marriage or Relationship Help?

2009-08-02T23:22:00.002-04:00

Check out this SlideShare Presentation:

Do You Need Marriage or Relationship Help?

View more presentations from DawnLip.

Is Your Spouse/Partner 'Passive-Aggressive'?

2009-07-28T19:51:00.003-04:00

I’m a therapist. I should nod knowingly when I hear it. But every time I hear someone describe their spouse, partner or someone else, I just want to roll my eyes (is that passive-aggressive?)

What does “passive-aggressive” even mean? I always ask people what they mean when they use the term. Usually it is women that use it, although occasionally a guy will too. I hear explanations like “he says he is going to do it, but he doesn’t follow through”, “he has an 'attitude’, “he take his sweet time” and variations on the theme. Men usually describe it as ‘sulking’ or doing things grudgingly, sometimes around sex or doing fun things together.

If I were to sum up 99% of the explanations I hear, it is some version of “he (or she) doesn’t do what I want him/her to do, when I want it.” Sometimes it is accompanied with someone not doing it in the way the speaker wants either.

Is that what passive- aggressive is? Is there such a thing as passive-aggressive personality disorder? I think so glibly labeling behaviors as pathological deserves its own blog post!

Suffice it to say for now that so much of what is described as ‘passive-aggressive’ is not ‘disordered’, makes perfect sense, and has many other causes than pathology or bad intent.

In couples I see, it is much more often things like
• someone wanting something done on their own timeline which the other person does not share and thinks can easily be done at another time
• the labeled person comes home tired from work or is exhausted from taking care of children and really wants some down time and does not want to jump to it when their partner wants them to do something and would rather watch TV.
• there is insufficient communication about what needs to be done AND why it is important to the person to have it done by a certain time versus another time
• the things the labeled person does are frequently criticized, corrected, or re-done, letting them know how inadequate they really are
• the needs or concerns of the ‘passive aggressive’ person are dismissed and they feel like what they need doesn’t matter
• when there are frequent demands or needs by the person, the labeled person feels smothered, controlled and that they are losing themselves
• less often, but still frequently, the labeled person can have ADD or an auditory processing issue.

And if those things are going on, you ARE going to get ‘attitude’, disconnection, and defensiveness on the other side.

While I’m using couples as an example, many of the same things can be said of work places and other situations.

Next time you are tempted to label your spouse/partner as ‘passive-aggressive’:
1. Be curious. Ask what their concerns or needs are in the situation and then listen without interrupting or making them ‘wrong. Another good thing to ask about is where they are feeling overwhelmed or pressured in their work, home, life.
2. Look at your own behavior – your tone, your timing, your urgency, your tendency to tell them how they could they do it differently or better or quicker.
3. Ask them how it would work best for them for you to gently remind them if they forget (often there are constructive and simple answers!)
4. Seek win-win – how can you meet the needs/concerns of each person involved?
5. Notice what they do ‘right’, acknowledge it and their efforts, and appreciated what they do in other areas.
6. Resist the temptation to point out how they are doing something for themselves or for their enjoyment or relaxation while they have not gotten to your request.
7. Respect difference. THEY ARE NOT YOU. Let them do it THEIR way. Encourage them to put it on their calendar on a day and time that will work for them. And if it is not perfect, be willing to create a new category of judging performance -- 'good enough' -- and accept it as their contribution. (If you find yourself needing to have it perfect, be curious about what goes on for you inside if it isn't!)

Good Old-Fashioned Honesty

2009-07-23T13:38:00.003-04:00

Last week I was visiting friends in Chapel Hill and staying at a chain hotel. The hotel was packed with high school students who were about to go to an international soccer competition in Sweden. There were also adults in town for a large corporate training.

On my last morning there, I went out to my car and discovered a couple of $1 bills and 2 small pieces of paper under my windshield wiper. When I looked at the papers, they were ticket stubs from a movie I had seen the day before and I realized that when I got out of the car and reached in my pocket for my hotel key card, the money and stubs must have fallen out.

It was a simple act, yet it warmed my heart to know that there are still people – whether it was one of the young students or a person there for training – that live their lives by core values, including honesty.

Contrast that with the couples I get from time to time. I offer an online version of a required premarital course in Florida to make it more convenient for couples, but I still make it very clear that they are legally required to spend 4 hours and will be asked to attest to that by the clerk’s office. The course has a lot of good material, activities and discussion questions to help couples learn more about one another and to build good skills. Some couples jump wholeheartedly into it and write to me about things they learned about themselves and their partner, or about aspects of relationship that they never really thought about. But there is a growing minority of people who simply buy the course, do the test, and then tell me they and their partner worked all day on the course when in fact they purchased it only an hour before.

I always wonder how dishonesty will play out in their marriage!

Action:

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “I lie a lot” to 10 being “I never lie”, where would you rank yourself on the honesty scale? How do you rationalize to yourself or others that it is OK to lie?
What is one step you could begin taking today to be more honest in your life or in your relationships? Maybe the step needs to be in becoming more honest with yourself!

Garbage in Your Relationship Spaces

2009-07-05T08:17:00.003-04:00

Almost everyday I walk up and down a flight of stairs to the gym. The gym has a bowl of mini-Tootsie Rolls and mini grape flavored tootsie rolls at the desk near the entrance. (Maybe that’s how they keep us coming to the gym!) I have noticed that the paper wraps from the candy are dropped on the stairs and in the hall going into the gym. There are trash cans in the gym and as you exit to the street. Yet some people cannot seem to carry their wrappings for 20 seconds to make it to the trash can. They drop or throw their garbage into the common space.

I love Martin Buber’s definition of relationship as the space between us. Everything we do, say, fail to do or say, the WAY we do or say things, and even what we think,,, constantly contributes positively or negatively to the climate and quality of that space. The relationship ‘space’ is not only between individuals, but between groups, nations. The space between is in our relationship with the environment, with the Divine, with systems. (See more here)In the case of the candy wrapper droppers, it is with the common physical space and with the other members of the gym and other businesses whose customers use those stairs, and with the crew that has to clean them.

The candy wrappings remind me of the mindlessness of our culture, the me and my need focus, the disregard for the experience of others, the entitlement approach that someone else should clean up my mess. Sadly, this attitude shows up not only with the environmental spaces, but in the relational space between two or more people as well. People just as mindlessly throw out sarcasm, criticism, irritation, condescension, discounting into their relationship space regularly and never clean it up. Or, like the candy paper droppers, throw junk into the space and expect someone else to clean up after them. Like the candy wrapper droppers, many people disappear, shut down, withdraw after they intentionally or unintentionally litter the relationship spaces in their lives.

You might intentionally or mindlessly drop garbage in your relationship space with people, groups or the environment. Take responsibility and clean it up when you realize you’ve dropped or thrown garbage in your spaces with others. Better yet, be mindful that you share all those spaces with others and do your part to keep all your relational spaces clean.

The Price of Excess

2009-07-04T11:18:00.004-04:00

The other day while waiting in the dentist’s office, I read a magazine article about a very wealthy local businessman. He and his wife are in the process of building a 90,000 sq. ft. home to replace their 34,000 sq. ft. home. The picture of them is next to one of their several luxury cars, a Rolls Royce.

While I just rolled my eyes at that, the part that struck me was the description of unopened gifts piled in a theater room in April that the children hadn’t gotten around to opening since Christmas because of the number of presents they received.

Excess decreases gratitude:
I have witnessed 6-10 year olds ripping open a gigantic pile presents one right after the other. They tore them open, sometimes only partially, before tearing open the next one. They didn’t know or care who they were from, didn’t say thank you, and seemed to have absolutely zero appreciation for the toys they received. They just look to see if there are more for them.

Excess promotes carelessness and disregard:
I remember growing up I, and most other kids I knew, got one larger gift we really wanted (we had to decide on one that we were going to ask for) and then we got maybe 4 smaller ones, plus the usual pair of pajamas or slippers. Each one was a treasure as we opened it. We didn’t just tear the paper off. We actually opened the package and started playing with it after we had run over to whoever it was from and gave them a giant hug and kiss. We played with those 4-5 toys constantly. We showed them off to our friends and took them to school for show and tell. We treasured them. We did not leave them out in the rain. We didn’t forget them in the car. We valued them. How do you value or treasure something when you have 30 other things at the same time? Even children who get a huge pile of toys, will tend to have 2 or 3 that they treasure.

Excess breeds entitlement:
Having so much ‘stuff’ given to us helps nurture the attitude of “I deserve”, “you/they owe it to me”, and “I should get things with no effort”. Entitlement has infected society as a whole, even those who do not have much. The ‘you owe me just because I show up and exist’ permeates workplaces, schools, families and nations. If I just show up for work, you owe me regular increases and promotions. Nevermind that I ignore customers, or play on the computer half of the day. It shows up in marriages and other relationships in which people think just because they wake up every day in the same house, they shouldn't be expected to give anything else. Anthony B. Robinson wrote an excellent article: Articles of Faith: The unfortunate age of entitlement in America.

Excess creates a ‘me-centered’ focus:
It becomes about what I want, what I need, what I like, without regard for those who are providing it, and without consciousness of the fact that there are others who are not as fortunate and sometimes whose basic needs are not met.

One parent I know, after trying to no avail to have relatives scale back their gift-giving, allows 5 or 6 presents to be put out. From the time her children were about 6 or 7, as they got new toys at Chanukah, at the end of the holiday, they picked 2 or 3 toys that were in good condition to give to charity. They also gave a Chanukah gift each year to a charity that they all agreed upon as a family. I am fortunate to know several like her.

Raising children to appreciate what they have, to learn that joy comes from other sources besides toys and material things, creates a better, more compassionate world.

I recently had the privilege of attending a wedding of a young Muslim woman in her mid-twenties. She was raised in a family who lived very comfortably, but who have never felt a need for a excess, and who believe there are more important things in life than ‘things’. Contributing to a better world wasn’t an occasional event in her family -- it was and is, a way of life. In her wedding invitations she listed three charities that she and her fiancé wanted supported in lieu of material gifts. They not only raised the money for a charity they already had been supporting, but actually took part of their honeymoon to go to the village and bring the needed items, plus some treats to children who had nothing. They want to do it for each wedding anniversary.

Next time you want to buy, buy, buy for your children, grandchildren or someone else, think about the values you want to impart and the world you want to create. Is this the way to do it? What is the legacy you want to leave them and the world? What kind of adults do you want to give the world -- and what kind of human being do you want to be?

Living La Vita Dolce (The Sweet Life)

2009-06-30T07:45:00.004-04:00

Yesterday our local paper told a story of a woman who is still driving a Chevrolet that she bought in 1964. It now has over 550,000 miles on the odometer. Rachel takes care of all of her things and still has her first doll. She takes great pride in her car that she calls 'Chariot' and has won trophies for it at car shows.

To me, the best thing about the story is 90-year old Rachel's statement about life. When talking about her hope that both she and Chariot make it to 600,000 miles she says, " 'Except for the congestive heart failure, a stroke and a double mastectomy, I'm in great shape!" and she thinks she will make it.

I've heard people moan and groan about relatively small aches and pains, temporary setbacks in life, usually followed by how hard life is. They always look for the worst. Rachel, who has survived major life-threatening illnesses, looks for the best, holds on to hope, and clearly lives her life fully. I am fortunate to be around someone who is in her early eighties who also has had hard things happen in life, but always comes back to optimism, a profound gratitude and joy in life. I always say that she is someone who truly lives and will live every single day of her life.

I believe that cultivating that optimism, not a Pollyeana view that pretends there is nothing negative, but an optimism that acknowledges difficulties and yet chooses to look for the best possible outcome, not only helps people live longer, but adds to a foundation of joy and inner peace. People I know who have that kind of optimism live with a profound sense of gratitude each day. They have experienced good things coming after bad, doors that have opened after others have closed shut. They have a confidence in life and an excitement about each day.

Perhaps some realize after life-threatening illnesses in themselves or someone they love how precious each day is. I think others are just born with it or live in families that view life in that way. What I also believe, and know for myself, is that people tend to 'find what you look for'. If you look for the worst in people, events or life, you WILL find it. Our brains search for evidence to support our theories and selectively filters what we see through that framework of assumptions.

By consciously looking for the best in someone, you will see more of it. By looking for the lessons or gifts you can take from the curves and challenges life hands you, you come out of them stronger -- and more positive. By looking at each day as the gift of another day of life, you live life more fully. By consciously being grateful each day for something, even if it is that you have a roof over your head or soup to eat, you cultivate joy.

Think of one step you will commit today to take to find the best in life and grow your own happiness. Make each day your own 'vita dolce'.

Madoff-Failure in Empathy

2009-06-29T20:17:00.002-04:00

Bernie Madoff was sentenced today to spend his life in prison, for damaging the lives of so many.

Whatever psychologists say about him and why he did what he did (most see him as a narcissist), one of the fundamental issues was the lack of empathy. Although I don’t know the details of his life, the diagnosis makes sense. Narcissists tend to lack empathy and have a sense of entitlement. This entitlement includes the sense that they are above laws and regulations because they are ‘who they are and are different from the rest of humanity. They have no remorse for their actions and the pain it caused. They feel justified in their actions and thinking.

Probably all of us have met someone who fits this description, just not in such a dramatic way as Bernie Madoff. It could be the boss who rips employees apart with criticism and makes it their fault if they are upset with him or her. It could be the person who cheats on his or her spouse or partner, and who will say out loud they are not sorry and have no regrets, and will probably do it again, no matter how much pain it causes. It could be the face we see in the mirror.

In Martin Buber’s classic, I and Thou, he talks about the I-It approach to others. When we relate to others in that way, it is primarily relating them because of the purpose they serve for us. People like Madoff or those we know who do act that way on a smaller scale, exploit others and believe their own need or want is more important than anyone else’s. In fact, they rarely think of the need of others at all.

While you and I may not be narcissists, chances are we have all had moments of entitlement, uncaring, or using others.

Empathy challenges everything that narcissism is about.
I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.”
Pablo Casals

And it deserves a post (or more) of its own! I think we can all do better in growing empathy in the world!

What REALLY Matters?

2009-06-29T13:23:00.003-04:00

Last night I switched on a TV movie, Impact. It was about the moon thrown out of its orbit and on a collision course with Earth in 39 days. The first big plan did not work and the second plan was a longshot. In spite of its predictability, there were a couple of things that raised great personal and relationship questions.

1. What matters and how do we make it present in our lives?
When it seemed all hope was lost and that the end of the world would happen within a week or so, a news reporter from a channel like BBC or CNN reported his surprise that faced with the imminent end of the world, there was no rioting anywhere. Instead people all over the world were peacefully going about their lives with those they loved, doing some of the things they had always wanted to do but had never taken the time to do, overcoming fears and finding faith or serenity in some other way. A related piece was one of the men on the moon who had gotten trapped in a canyon realized he would not make it out. His last act was to make a heart and write his love for his wife. I remembered the stories that came out of the tragedy of 9-11 as people realized they would likely die as well as those of people who were profoundly grateful that they had survived. (See the article on my website.)

So, if YOU knew that the world would probably end within the next 5-10 days. . . .
• How would YOU spend those days?
• Who would you be with or want to be with? What would you do in that time?
• What have you left undone that you would want to make sure to address or do?
• What would it take right now for you to make what is most important to you more of a priority in terms of your time, attention, energy, and effort?

2. What are we here for?
The movie showed the internal struggle of the men and women who would go to the moon with only a one in a thousand chance of returning. Even though they were torn between their own families or romantic partners, they agreed to go – even if reluctantly.

• For what or whom would you be willing to give your life for and why or why not?
What would it take for you to cross that line of willingness to give your own life for the wellbeing of someone else?

• What responsibilities do you think we each have to the world and to the rest of humanity?

When they finally save the planet, people all over the world view it as a second beginning. Hostilities have ceased between countries. Having come so close to complete annihilation, there is renewed hope and longing that we can finally get it right with this second chance.

Will it take an actual threat of our collective annihilation for us to ‘get it right’? Peace at any price is not really peace. But what is an honest peace and how can we co-create that more in the world, in our own society, in our personal or work relationships?

• What do you think would have the greatest effect in creating true peace?
• Do you live in a way that brings you inner peace? If so, what helps you hold that peace over time? If not, what prevents you from finding inner peace or living your life in a way that would contribute more to that?

Hopefully, it won't take the threat of the end of the world, or the imminence of our own personal death to call us to a 'new beginning' and greater peace and arranging of priorities in our own lives. Each day is really a 'second chance' to get it right.

Identity Issues

2009-06-28T20:26:00.003-04:00

I read this week about Mark Krikorian, director of something called the Center for Immigration Studies, which seems to be about how we should all be afraid of immigration.

He said in essence that because Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, pronounces her name as it would be in Spanish (which makes sense because that is it's origin) and that we should not try too hard to say it correctly. The pronunciation emphasizes the last syllable, (So-Tow-My- YOUR) and that is unnatural in English. If we work too hard to say her name correctly, we will lose our cultural identity as American's (as if she is not one.)

Maybe I just don't get it, but he also seems to say is that people who immigrate should essentially give up how they pronounce their name and leave it up to us to decide the way they will be called in this country. He says it this way: "But one of the areas where conformity is appropriate is how your new countrymen say your name, since that's not something the rest of us can just ignore, unlike what church you go to or what you eat for lunch. And there are basically two options — the newcomer adapts to us, or we adapt to him. And multiculturalism means there's a lot more of the latter going on than there should be."

To me, this illustrates how in so many ways, at so many levels, we are afraid that if we reach out of our own experience to meet a person or culture that is 'different' from ours, we will lose ourselves. Whether that shows up in this story about Sonia Sotomayor, or between husbands and wives or partners, or between people of different races or religions, I think it speaks of a fragile identity if we are so threatened that we will somehow lose who we are if we reach out to someone who is 'different' from me or us.

What if we didn't view it in terms of a power struggle of who is going to adapt to whom -- as if it were a fight of either/or? What if we could be confident that not only in our country, but in each of us, there is room to welcome people in as they are without losing ourselves? Perhaps we could all be enriched precisely by our differences.

The Sensitive Web of Relationships

2009-06-17T06:18:00.003-04:00

Life is a web of relationships – with people, nature, the Divine, history, events, pets, groups, and healthcare, government, the economy, countries. We can even say we are in a kind of relationship even with inanimate things like money. How we interact with it, the place it has in our lives, our attitude toward it, how we behave with or without it, all form a kind of relationship. We cannot NOT be in relationship.

Because we interact individually and collectively with everything and everyone in our lives, we create positive and negative effects not just with what is in front of us, but beyond our immediate circle throughout the web – often without our awareness.

Today I heard a perfect example of the ripple effect on the BBC program The World on the large blue butterfly:
Humans > Cows > Grass > Soil > Ants > Butterfly extinction and reintroduction from another country . . .

In 1979 the large blue butterfly was declared extinct in the wild in Britain. At first, some people believed the actions of butterfly collectors had endangered the population. But after extensive research in preparation for re-introducing the large blue from Sweden, scientists discovered that the problem was not butterfly collectors, but a change in how humans raised cattle.

It turns out that the large blue’s survival is dependent on a specific species of red ant. When the butterfly eggs hatch, the new caterpillar appears like the ant grub and is carried into the ant nest where the caterpillar feeds off the ant grubs for 10 months before emerging. These ants live in short grass where sunlight warms the soil.

As farmers gradually moved their cattle from freely grazing on the grass to more grain feed, the grass grew up and made the soil too cool for the ant species to survive. This was combined with the loss of rabbits who also grazed and were destroyed in the 1950s by a virus. Grazing was re-established in the areas, the ants returned and the large blues were successfully reintroduced from Sweden and now there are 30 colonies.

In our relationships with nature, and our relationships with each other, our actions create effects, whether or not we are conscious of them, and sometimes those effects are very different from what we intend.

Think of the relationships in your life. Be curious about the impact your words and behavior have not only directly, but through the ripple effects that spread out even further. What are you creating in the relationship web of your life and in the sensitive web of relationship in which we all live?

A Few Lessons from a Life Fully Lived – Peggy Redding

2009-06-16T07:10:00.003-04:00

Today I received news that Peggy died. I first met her about 15 years ago at some event that a church was putting on for men and women who were divorced or separated. Over the years we worked on different events and would meet at various celebrations or meetings. A few times we had the opportunity to sit down for a longer period and share hopes, dreams, fears, struggles, and successes. We were never close friends, but her life touched mine even in those occasional encounters.

When I met her she had already survived for several years a diagnosis of terminal breast cancer. It had metastasized to bones, the brain and some other places. She had already done massive chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant when the procedure was in the early experimental stage of development. She went to Living Well – a local program of supportive therapy for people with cancer and other life altering illnesses. She had done every treatment you can imagine and several years ago did more chemotherapy when the cancer finally returned. She was receiving treatment the week before she died.

There are so many things Peggy taught by the way she lived her life. Here are just a few that struck me:

1. Live each day: Peggy truly and deeply loved life – and I’m sure she lived it as fully as possible right until the moment of her last breath. There was never a thought of giving up on life and people she loved.

2. Focus on the positive: She never let her diagnosis, her treatments, her fear or anything else take away her joy. She had some bad days in the midst of those times, but she always looked for the next positive thing.

3. Give of yourself: Peggy always gave of her time, creativity, skills, gifts and her very self to others. She became a clown and loved to dress up and entertain. She encouraged other cancer patients and their families and friends. She worked tirelessly at the local and national level for the support of divorced and separated women and men.

4. Find and live your purpose: Peggy knew she had a life mission and she devoted herself to it. It fueled her joy and gave her peace.

5. Become radically responsible: Peggy took charge of her life and her happiness. She did not sit around blaming life, God, cancer or anything or anyone else. Stuff happens – hard stuff happens – but Peggy always knew that while she could not always control that, she was responsible for her response to those things and for creating the quality of her own life.

6. Develop connections: Peggy remained sensitive to others and gave in any way she could. At the same time, she was not too proud to reach out when she needed some help and support.

7. Find your Source of strength and guidance: Spirituality wasn't just reserved for church -- it was the context of Peggy’s whole life. She wasn’t perfect, but she did her best to live and be the best person she could be. Her belief in God was strength and light to her right up until the moment of her death. That Divine Spark powered and shaped Peggy’s life and the decisions she made.

8. Be authentic: Peggy was Peggy – always. You might like what she said or did, or you might not. But she never compromised or apologized for who she was. She may have apologized for mistakes or ways she inadvertently hurt or offended someone. But she relished just being who she was. She was committed to her own growth and always sought to be the best human being she could be, but she always did it her way. And that is so much of what endeared her to others – you experienced who she really was. There was never any ‘put on’.

9. Be grateful: Perhaps precisely because Peggy stared death in the face all those years ago, and in years following, she realized the preciousness and the gift of each day. Instead of being bitter or resentful, she was grateful for everything – and ultimately was grateful for what she had learned and gained on her journey of living with, around, and through cancer, divorce and other struggles.

10. Do your death as consciously as you can: While Peggy, for all her courageous fighting could not prevent her death, she could not stop the return of cancer, she did all she could to die in a conscious way -- not a victim, but as the next step on her life journey. She set up what she needed and asked friends to be with her. She asked for some of her favorite foods. She died in the way she lived -- embracing death as she had life -- on her terms.

Peggy was never rich or famous. But her life made a big difference for untold numbers of people. Who she was and how she lived can teach all of us to grab each day and to stay who we are at our core even in the face of adversity and to make the world better for our having lived in it. She will live on!

Acknowledgement – A Human Need

2009-06-08T19:47:00.001-04:00

Obama repeatedly acknowledged the achievements, strengths, contributions – the BEST of Islam, Muslims and even the place he was speaking. Acknowledgement let’s a person or group know that you have truly seen them. You have taken the time to pay attention, to notice, and to speak out loud what THEY contribute, what THEY accomplish, and some of who they are at their best.

I see a lot of couples who come to counseling because one of them had an affair. I wish I had kept track of the percentage of affairs in which the primary need that was met in the affair was that the affair partner paid attention, appreciated them, acknowledged them and in so doing made them feel seen and valued. It has been the most common unmet need I have seen for men who have had an affair. (For women, acknowledgement is part of the need, but in more instances it is engagement and some sense of emotional connection.)

To acknowledge the best of a person or group, the first thing is to pay attention – to look for what they contribute, what is good about them and about what they do or have done. Most of us are so caught up in our own wants and needs that we fail to pay attention to the world of others. We see them only in relation to how they meet our needs – or not.

Make a commitment to look for the best in your spouse, partner, friends, family, co-workers, groups that you disagree with or have traditionally judged negatively. There is a saying that “you find what you look for” and I truly believe that. If you look for the worst in a person, group, or country, you will find evidence to support your assumption about ‘the worst’. If you look for the best, for good, for the positive, you will notice that and be able to acknowledge it.

Sometimes I think people think that if they acknowledge or appreciate something in another person, that it is sweeping the negative under the carpet. Acknowledgement and appreciation does not mean that there is nothing negative. It means that BOTH positive and negative can exist in the same person or group and I am choosing to recognize the good.

In our busy lives, it is easy to simply take people we love and people we work with for granted. Or we assume they know that we appreciate them and what they do. When is the last time you thanked your spouse or partner for being a good provider, or for being such a great mother or father, or for all their efforts in trying to better their education or employment, or for their commitment to the family, or for their integrity . . . . . . You don’t have to wait for the spectacular. Notice the small things as well as the big things. People want to hear it!

Noticing and honoring the best in someone increases the potential of that coming forth even more. We all want to feel seen and valued. Do it for the people in your life! Start today!

Relationship Lessons from Obama's Cairo Speech to Muslims

2009-06-07T11:10:00.005-04:00

Regardless of one's political position, President Obama’s speech directed primarily to Muslims on June 4, 2009 demonstrated some of the best of relationship building – not only for countries or groups of people, but also for one to one relationships in love, business and the rest of life. As you read this, don’t think only of Muslims and non-Muslims or just the political issues. Think about your own marriage or partnership. Think about your social and business relationships. How do you talk to people in your life? How do you listen? How do you make efforts to step into THEIR shoes and understand their – or do you? How do you acknowledge the best in them? How do you act from the best in you? Or do you? The lessons from this speech can call us all to build better relationships.

I’m just going to go through it in order, so some may sound repetitive. Sometimes the repetition is deliberate.

• He steps into their ‘world’ – the positive and negative – and speaks to it . He attempts to step into their shoes without losing his own truth.

• One of the first things he did was acknowledge the other’s achievement and pointed out the positive contribution that those achievements have made.

• He thanked them for their hospitality in having him. He did not come in as arrogant or entitled.

• He spoke to THEIR pain and concerns immediately, including how non-Muslim groups have ignored and sometimes diminished their deepest dreams and autonomy. He talked about how other forces may not have meant to have a negative effect, but have.

• At the same time he spoke to the negative effects of extremists on the United States and how that has shaped some people’s views of Islam and how both of those things have added to fear and mistrust.

• Then, while acknowledging the fear and pain on both sides, he began to focus on the vision of a relationship that honors BOTH Muslims and non-Muslims. He extends the offer and holds the vision of a new beginning and a new future that honors the core shared values of justice,, progress, tolerance and the dignity of all people.

• He calls for honesty on both sides and a willingness to listen on both sides., to learn from each other,, to respect each other, and to seek common ground.

• He quotes THEIR holy book. He uses their language and the best of their teachings.

• He shares both what he has in common in his own history and what is different in his present.

• He then honors the best of Islam and what it has contributed to humanity in a positive way. He gives specifics of how Islam has contributed to the world and to the United States. He talked about how other American presidents honored Islam.

• He then calls them to see America with eyes that see the best of who we are too.

• He talks about the Muslim population in the United States and their achievements and that Muslims, too, are part of who America is.

• He stresses American freedoms and desires that both Americans and non-American Muslims share.

• He points out that we are all connected and the actions of one group anywhere in the world, affect all others and that as a result, we all have a responsibility to one another.

• Then he begins to address the places of tension between non American Muslims and the United States and how we must move forward in resolution of some of those tensions – and names some of what EACH can do to make that happen.

• He names clearly the stereotyping of Jews by Muslims, and the threats to their existence are destructive to everyone and cannot be tolerated. AND he acknowledges Palestinian suffering and calls for paths that honor the dreams and needs of both groups. He calls on everyone to realize that a win-lose approach will not work and we must seek a win-win path.

• He put himself and the country on the side of aligning with peace.

• He acknowledged the fear on both sides and how we must step forward in spite of it. He acknowledges that it is not a quick, easy fix, but that we must do it anyway.

• He again honors the best of Islam in the most tolerant period in its history.

• He makes the point that measuring one’s on faith by the rejection of someone else’s is damaging.

• He supported efforts on both sides to come together in dialogue and common action as human beings.

• He called for equality for women while at the same time honoring ways that has happened in Muslim societies. He honors some of their traditions that are often misunderstood and judged by others.

• He named those things like globalization and progress that can unintentionally have negative effects and how we need not to ignore the impact on others, but to address those negative effects and change them.

• Then he names some ways he and the United States will reach out for the benefit of both.

• He ends with a call to transcend differences in order to address those things that create disconnection and damage on both sides and that all of us have to look at our own actions and take responsibility.

• Our past cannot determine our future. Our vision and the best of us can and must.

So perhaps in some upcoming posts, we can talk about these elements in personal or business relationships.

In the meantime, you may want to check out other articles on relationships in the world at:
World Relationships: Co-creating a Better World

Live Each Day

2009-03-22T23:31:00.001-04:00

I was saddened by the sudden death of actress, Natasha Richardson, from a fall on a beginner's ski slope, not because I know her, but because I can only imagine the shock and pain of her children, family and friends. She was young, vibrant and living and doing what she loved. And then in one instant a simple fall ended her life.

I think tragedies like this can remind all of us who normally live in some denial about our own mortality that death and permanent damage can come to anyone at anytime -- including us and the people we love. While scary and uncomfortable, these brief moments of consciousness of future death and loss can remind us of several things (and you may have more):

Each day tell someone you love or appreciate how much you love them. Say it, show it. Let them know that you cherish them and cherish their love and care for you. When the planes were hijacked in 9-11, people were not calling work or thinking about their next conquest. They were calling people they loved to say "I love you".
Create meaning and purpose in your days so that you find deeper joy and make your unique contribution to your world.
Live each day in a way that you would be proud of -- as if in an hour you knew it would be your last.
Find good and something to be grateful for in each day -- no matter how challenging the day or period in your life. You are alive and there are gifts in each day, all around you.

Purpose

2009-03-22T23:30:00.000-04:00

My purpose in creating this blog is to raise awareness and discussion on creating more conscious and ethical relationships in love, life, work and the world. Our lives are a network of relationships with people, events, places, things, and the larger context that holds us all. I think we can do better and I hope this blog will contribute to a more positive direction.