More on the Legacy of Affairs

I am watching 20-20 and story of Gov. Mark Sanford’s continued affair with his Argentinian lover – who happens to look a lot like his wife! As I watch it, I wish every person even slightly moving into an affair to not only think about the impact on the spouse or partner, but as part of the legacy you leave your children, your family, your friends. You change the world not only for yourself, but for them – all in a negative way. You make the world more fragmented and untrusting and in pain.

What is it like for Sanford’s kids to know that about their father that they respected and looked up to as kids tend to do unless they are in abusive or neglectful families. How do they experience the betrayal of their mother, of marriage or committed relationship, of family, and of integrity. He destroys would could have been an incredible legacy of integiry and of real love.

I was in high school when I realized my father was cheating on my mother. I didn’t want to believe it. I loved my father and up until that time I respected him. I was happy that ours was (or seemed to be) a solid, happy family. I felt devastated. It couldn’t be MY father. I lost the respect I had for him. His word no longer meant anything.

As I have said here before, there are many reasons people have affairs. Sometimes it is a symptom of disconnection in the marriage or primary relationship and sometimes it is internal issues. Sometimes it is poor boundaries. Sometimes it is an arrogant sense of entitlement to have and do anything you want no matter how it impacts others. Affairs usually make sense, but that does not justify them.

While there have always been affairs, I think the constant barrage on TV, movies, books numbs us to the reality.

You are not a victim. You are responsible for your own integrity as a human being and the impact your behavior has on others that love you. I love Stephen Covey’s comments in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He said that even when we think a behavior or choice is immediate, there is always that fraction of a second before it when we have a choice. I hear people say they can't help yelling at, berating, name calling toward their partner. Yes you can -- even if it is to walk out of the room. You are not helpless. And your behavior does not happen in isolation from the rest of your life and the world.

YOU HAVE CHOICE and are responsible for the choices you make. Make your choices ones that you would be proud to have as your legacy to your family and friends -- and to a better world for all people.